Lisa Runs - Sometimes

2011 Recap

2011-11-11T09:40:00.000-08:00

I have to say with all the whining and complaining I have done about being active, this year kind of rocked. I had a good cycling season. It isn't over yet. We are going out again tomorrow for a 50 miler to Granville and back. Me doing 50 miles? Me do a 60 miler? Yes! Once I get over the fact that I don't think I can do it, I really can do it.

That doesn't mean that I don't still get nervous. I get horribly nervous, especially when Scott is not with me. I don't know when I will ever start a ride with confidence, but that will come with experience.

I also completed my first 2 triathlons. Granted they were a sprint and and a mini sprint, but hey, I got out there didn't I? And I finished.

And soon that will have to be enough since I've elected to have surgery again and will not be able to exercise for at least 2 months. I need to do this, and I want the surgery, I just don't want to fall back into old habits and gain weight back while I'm feeling sorry for myself. This isn't like my ankle when I could exercise my upper body as soon as I felt like it. This is nothing at all - except maybe some walking. And it's going to be cold so walking outside will not be much of an option.

Now, now, let's not get this pity party started already.

5k

2011-04-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

Obviously I haven't done any kind of racing since the ill fated ankle injury. Scott is captain of a team for Honda running the Cap City Half Marathon. His team is in competition with other Honda team to earn points for God knows what.

Since Adele rocked her first 5k he has been bugging her to sign up for the 5k run in connection with the half to get even more points. I half heartedly offered to go to, but he kept saying it was not necessary. After we got Adele signed up and I mentioned that I would probably go to the gym instead, Adele got very upset and said I had to be down there with her after she finished. I countered with the fact that I would not be able to get a workout in at all in that case.

With that in mind Scott thought it would be a good idea for me to walk the 5k as a practice for the triathlon in June. There is no walking division so I will be thrown in with all the other walkers and strollers. I told Adele she would have to wait at least 10 minutes for me, because I don't think I can do any better than a 40 minute 5k at this point, even with the shuffling.

I can't say I'm excited about this race. It will be a good test, and I don't plan to taper at all for it, because I want to do it as if it were the tri, meaning my legs will be tired. I just hope I don't cry.

Timing is everything

2011-04-11T11:32:00.000-07:00

I have a very odd sense of timing. Often it seems I do something that ends up being part of a most awkward situation that could have been avoided if only for my timing.

A perfect example of this is last weekend's bike ride. It was our first ride of the season and I was out of my mind with anxiety. Would I remember how to use the clips? Do I remember how to stop and gear down so I don't rack myself up on the seat? Do I even have enough strength to keep up?

So it was no wonder by the time Saturday rolled around I was once again fishing for excuses not to go out. My hamstring hurt. My stomach hurt. It was too cold, too early, too something damn it. Scott reminded me that we have signed up for the Wendy's triathlon to be held June 12, and unless I wanted to push my bike 18 miles I had better get my ass out there and deal with it.

Steve picked us up at 7:00 am to take us to the trail head. There were only a few of us riding thankfully, so that was fewer riders to embarrass myself in front of. Scott set my bike up first so while the rest of them were getting ready I prepared for the first assault on the pedals. I faced the other way so no one could look at me and pushed off. And immediately mis-clipped and rolled off with both my legs sticking out, while I squeeled. My brain finally kicked in and told me if I didn't do something I would fall over, so I pushed off on one pedal and managed to get the other one clipped in.

You know what? Once I was safely in, it felt okay. Not wonderful but not awful. I practiced stopping and starting a couple of times and felt ready to go with the group - in the back where I like to start.

When we hit the end of the trail head I had to pee, no big surprise between the nervousness and the large amounts of coffee I had consumed before leaving. There really is no place to go out there either. Roger suggested I would have more privacy if I crossed the street and went up into the trees, but I was in an emergency situation. Scott told the guys to go ahead. Steve wanted to wait for us so he turned his head (I hope) and I squatted next to a car, while Scott held my bike and blocked my view from the road. He told me to hurry because there was a runner coming so I scooted in front of the driver door to hide better and do my business.

Mission accomplished I grabbed my bike and headed down the hill to the road. As we were taking off I looked back to see that the runner had stopped at the same car and was looking down at the ground in front of his door at the gift I had left. I don't think I have ever started off so quickly. I didn't have time to get nervous about it; I didn't want the runner to see my face as I rode away.

On second thought maybe my timing was pretty good. Could you imagine the look on that runner's face if he had come to his car with my naked booty sticking out there?

Lucky?

2011-02-09T07:25:00.000-08:00

I am not what you would call an "up beat" person. Give me a chance to see the dark side in a situation and I am on it. Case in point being the whole ON thing and never being able to run again. I can be Debbie Downer to the max on that one.

So I often need someone or something to kick me in my negative behind and remind me that I am actually a very lucky person. I subscribe to Google alerts for Avascular Necrosis, so any time there is a news story that mentions AVN I can read it. Mostly I get hits about athletes with AVN in their hips. The past month, however, there have been two stories about young women with AVN in their ankles that really hit home. These girls are younger than I am and their outlook is not nearly as positive as mine.

The first girl I read about had a similar situation to mine in that she had a fracture that was repeatedly diagnosed as a sprain. One day the ankle just collapsed and only then was she diagnosed with AVN. She is a young single mother, and can't afford to pay for the wheel chair, crutches or the many trips to the doctor to have her ankle repaired. She is going to have her ankle fused and will have to wear an exterior brace forever. Her small town in Maine was going to have a fund raiser for her to help with her medical expenses. She was quoted as saying that she was looking forward to being able to walk again some day. Just walk.

The other story freaked me out. This poor girl has AVN, had her ankle collapse, had it fused TWICE with a rod through her ankle and nothing worked. She was in so much pain that she made the decision to have her leg amputated below the knee rather than live in pain the rest of her life. She said she would rather live without part of her leg than deal with another surgery. Oh. My. God.

What is the expression? But for the grace of God go I? Either of those situations could have been me. If I had not been in such good shape to begin with could my ankle have collapsed? If I didn't insist on the MRI would it have never have been found? If my brother didn't find Dr. Nunley would I still be in pain?

While it's true that I will always have AVN and will always have limitations, I live a very normal life. I can rock the gym when I want to, and if the only pain I'm dealing with right now is my ITB in my hip then bring it on.

Which is why I get so pissed at myself when I get down. I don't know if it's the hormones talking or what but some days are such a battle between my psyche and life. I just want to give up, sit on the couch, and drink martinis until I can't feel anymore.

So I continue to fight through whatever this is. Depression? Maybe. Onset of menopause? Oh yeah. Am I going to take drugs to get through this? No way in hell. I'm already excluded from taking hormones because of my blood clots, and I just read last night that horemones increase chances of getting breast cancer. If exercise is what will get me through this, then that's what I'll do.

Because I am a very lucky person to have so many wonderful, loving people in my life and I'm not going to give any of that up. Cross my scarred ankle and hope to live a long time.

Finding my mojo

2010-10-04T09:20:00.000-07:00

2 weeks ago I had what I would call a really bad ride on my bicycle. I think I was getting a little too confident with the clips. I still get a lurch in my stomach when I have to stop and start, but thing were going pretty well that day.

We were flying along the rails to trails path and a cross over was coming up. I didn't judge the stopping distance very well, and I had to hit the brakes hard. I was grabbing on the handle bar but it didn't occur to me to use the front brake, so I skidded into the road a little, had to panic stop and ended up pulling both feet out of the clips and somehow jumping off the seat. Scott was behind me and didn't seem to think it was a big deal but I was really shaken up.

When we were able to cross over the road, I was so upset I couldn't get clipped in, so I had to duck walk the bike over. Scott went on and I just sat there, terrified. I tried to push off once, but my right foot was not clipped in and I fell off again right on my seat. It took me 2 more tries before I mentally slapped myself and got going again. Thankfully there were no more roads to cross and it was less than 1 mile back to car and safety. I didn't say much about it to Scott, because I knew he wouldn't think it a big deal anyway.

I worried over this all week. Then I got sick and things got worse. By the time last Saturday came around, I was looking for any excuse not to go out. It was chilly also, and I was praying for rain. Scott opted to bike over to Steve's house and ride with him to the trail and I was to drive over and meet them there.

After more mental face slapping I made it to the trail, just after everyone else arrived. Scott helped me get my front tire on and they all sat on their on bikes waiting for me. I told them to go first so I could get started by myself. I thought if I was going to throw up I didn't want anyone to see me.

By the time we made it to the restaurant, I couldn't get off my bike. I was dizzy and cold and Scott had to steady me. Steve walked in with me and I was trying very hard not to cry. I tried to explain what I was feeling, but he understood.

When we started off again after breakfast the guys let me lead out of the restaurant so they wouldn't drop me. Steve caught up to me and spent some time talking me down, once again reminding me that the safest place for me to be was with them. No one was judging, no one was complaining. This was proven true, when we had to stop suddenly at a stop sign for a quickly approaching truck. I made the stop okay, but I had trouble getting started again because I forgot to gear down. Roger yelled out that I was behind and all the guys slowed down until I could get across. No big deal.

Down the road, Steve and I were in front and we were making a left hand turn. We were both signaling and some idiot tried to pull out in front of us. I opened my mouth to yell, but Steve called out first and Idiot Man stopped. We both swerved to the right and called out to warn Roger and Scott but we were able to make the turn. Steve complimented me on keeping my head and not panicking. Yeah, I didn't panic, good for me!

By the time we made it back to my car I was feeling pretty good about myself. My stomach still clinches every time I have to stop and start, but at the last stop - the one where I slid into the road 2 weeks ago - I stopped fine and started fine without any drama at all. Mojo!

I celebrated at Dairy Queen with a Pumpkin blizzard. Unfortunately I can't ride this week because I'm going to the Body Pump launch, but there are just a few weekends left to ride, and I hope to catch the rest of them.

Now if I can make it San Francisco and ride with Rusk and Missy without embarrassing myself.

Phone call from "The Man"

2010-09-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

One of the things that sticks in my memory of my surgery is every time someone at Duke asked me who my surgeon was and I told them "Dr. Nunley", they always said, "Oh, The Man!" It was obvious The Man garnered great respect from everyone. Whatever he said, things happened.

This morning my cell phone rang and I could tell by the area code it was Duke. And who should be on the phone but The Man himself! I was so surprised I could hardly put a sentence together.

The first thing he asked me was if I was wearing my brace. That surprised me. I told him I was making a planter out of it. I reminded him that he said I didn't have to wear it any more. He said he knew that, he was just checking. That really unnerved me.

Then he asked if I was having any swelling issues. I admitted that my ankle does swell after certain activity, but by the next day it went down. He said that he could tell there was some swelling on the MRI, and he was not sure if it was a good day or a bad day. My heart was pounding. Was I going to get bad news?

Finally he got to the point. He said the MRI looked really good. He could see that there was still some dead bone, however, there was also some new revascularization. He then asked if I was still not running or impacting my ankle. I told him I was being good, and other than dance class I was very careful.

He asked about my activity level. I told him all the things I was doing, including biking, swimming and lifting weights. He was very impressed with how much I was doing. Scott was disappointed that I forgot to mention I had hiked with him on the AT, but come on I can't remember everything! The whole conversation was under 3 minutes.

So the news is good. He wants me to have another MRI next year to check my progress. He obviously is happy with my progress. The last question he asked was if I had $1's worth of pain last year, what was this year? I said it was more like a nickel and my knee was bothering me more than my ankle. That's what he wanted to hear.

I thought I would be more disappointed that he didn't clear me to run, but I'm not. There is still dead bone there and that is a warning to take care of myself. I'm actually growing bone! That is such a miracle. I don't walk with a limp, and other than some stiffness in the morning, life is good.

Life is very, very good.

The waiting is never over

2010-09-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I had my 2nd year MRI and x-ray for my ankle. Duke called me at home (luckily I was at lunch) to say they have the report but no disk. Checking my tracking info the disk should get to them today.

I asked the big question - when is Dr. Nunley going to read it? Of course he has been gone for 10 days and is playing catch up with a lot of things, so Amy said it would be a couple of days before I hear anything. I read that as next week. I made sure she had my cell phone information to let me know any information.

Last night in dance class I was fooling around and turned my right foot. Instant pain. My friends saw the look of panic on my face but I assured them I was okay even I was not sure. It was more on the foot side. It is still a little sore today and a little swollen but nothing awful so I will take it easy for a few days. Wouldn't that just suck if I broke my foot after all this? No, no, no. I am not going to think that way.

I have made it to 140 pounds and have stopped. Of course I have not been as careful as I was. 5 pounds would be great, 10 would be wonderful but I'm tired of the weighing and obsessing right now. I would rather up my activity level. I can do more push ups on my toes than I ever could before so I have progressed.

Please, just let me know something by the end of the month, if it's only that things look good and I can continue what I am doing. I won't even voice what I am wishing for. Because that's just greedy.

10 pounds

2010-08-06T07:52:00.000-07:00

No matter what I did I could not lose any weight. Granted I was not trying all that hard, but it was very frustrating to watch my clothes continue to fit so poorly. I feared it was only going to get worse. I was up to 154 pounds on my home scale and it tends to weight light. Adele started logging her calories on Livestrong.com, so after much whining and moaning I started logging my food in June.

It does take a week or so to get in the habit, but once I did, it's almost addictive. I really think about what I eat because I have to write it down, or worse weigh it and see how many calories it is. I had bought a scale a while back but I was not really using it for much. Now everyone in the whole house is fighting over it, even Sarah, who thinks Adele and I have gone over the edge with this whole thing. (Honestly she is probably right. It is becoming obsessive. I don't want to eat out any more unless I know how many calories I'm getting.)

I'm down to about 142 pounds now. Occasionally I have dipped into 141, but mostly I'm at 142 even. Today I put a shirt on that I never could get buttoned accross my chest even when I bought it. Today it fit and buttoned right up! So much for the excuse that I have big shoulders. I was just big.

My goal is 130 pounds. I would be happy with 135, but I was 130 when I was running, and if I continue to up my exercise level I could get close.

Meanwhile it feels good to be 10 pounds down. I really notice it in my pants. I carry my weight in my hips and stomach mostly so my pants would be the first place to be affected. Luckily I have kept some of my older pants around.

To have my shirt button up so nicely is such a mental boost! I needed that little bit of encouragement. I did NOT need the doughnuts, but if I don't treat myself every now and then I will go nuts.

Moving forward

2010-08-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

Literally. I hate that word for more reasons than I care to mention here. But for lack of another word, I am learning to move forward, quite literally.

Last weekend, Scott announced that I was ready for bike shoes. I've been biking regularly with him and a crowd and I feel much more comfortable on my bike. Last Sunday he put my bike in the car and announced that it was time to go to the bike store and get fitted. I did not want to go. I was not ready. But in 26 years of marriage Scott has never intentionally put me in harms way and I didn't think he would do so now. So I went.

They were very nice at the Trek store. We discussed all the different types of clips. Who knew there were so many? All I knew is that I didn't want Speed Play. Speed Play pedals are so tiny that you can't wear regular shoes and ride the bike. Plus they look really complicated. And the shoes are ugly.

So guess what I got? Speed Play. It was explained to me that these pedals allow my knee to move more naturally than SPD's. Not a lot mind you, but there is more mobility. And all pedals basically clip in and out the same way.

We had to wait around quite a while while the tech wrenched off my old pedals and put the new ones on. Then he had to install the clips on my shoes. They were on sale so I got an upgraded version with carbon soles but they are still not attractive. Once it was all put together the tech put my bike on a trainer so I could try it out. He warned me that it would be hard to clip in because everything would be stiff, but after a few times it would get easier. It never felt easier. Trying to find where the shoes went into the pedal was hard and clipping out was hard, and by then I was tired of the whole thing. I clipped in and out about 4 or five times, then said I was finished and wanted to go home.

Scott couldn't wait until we got home so he could put on his shoes and try my bike. Funny thing was his shoes didn't want to clip in. (I learned later that his were a different type of Speed Play and would not necessarily be compatible with mine.) Thank goodness he did not make me try to get back on the bike that day.

I left the bike shoes on the stairs where I could stare at them every day. Occasionally I would pick them up and look at the soles then put them back down. That's as far as I would go with it. I had no urge to put them on and get on my bike.

This went on all week until I had to go back to the Trek store and have Scott's flat fixed on his rear tire. Of course the same tech was there and asked how I liked being clipless. I had to admit that I had not even tried yet. He looked so disappointed I felt like I had let him down. I even bough some covers for the shoes, to make it easier to walk around inside without falling, a certainty in my case.

When we got home I told Sarah I was ready to try it. Scott was golfing and I had to do this without him standing over me. While he would never put me in harms way that does not mean that he would not badger me until I wanted to run him over.

Sarah was very patient. She walked down the street with me to a clear spot and held my bike until I was ready to go. That took a while. I was terrified. My heart was pounding and I thought I would be sick. Over bike shoes. Finally I had had enough of myself and just pushed off. It was not that bad. In fact I even clipped out and stopped and started again. I felt so confident that Sarah put on her shoes and got her bike and we did 2 whole laps around the park until a car almost hit me and we decided it was time to go home.

Saturday I went out with the group. They all knew I was trying out the shoes and everyone was great about it. These are the nicest people ever. No one rushed me, and they all waited until I was clipped in and stayed out of my way until I was comfortable. They all gave me tips on what to do, and by the end of the ride I felt so proud of myself, in spite of getting my shorts caught on the seat and almost falling over.

About falling over. I know everyone has done it, and I will too, and I almost wish I could fall just to get it over with. But of course that has to happen when I least expect it. So there is no sense in worrying about it. Except I will.

Meds

2010-05-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

I was at my OB the other day for the yearly check up, and I had to complete the usual paperwork. First we had the paperwork I have to fill out every year, then I had to complete the 3 year file. They gave me the old file so I could use it as a reference.

I got to the list of medications I am currently taking. I had to think about it. Let's see, I'm off the coumadin, off the horrid Cymbalta, and I am already off the Prozac, since I forgot to take it when we were in Chicago, and I have suffered no side effects from it.

So for the first time in I don't even know how long, I am on absolutely no prescription meds. No birth control, no anti-depressants, nothing for my reflux, no inhalers; zip. It was an enlightening moment. I even drew a big line down the page just to make my point. No, I do not need any drugs, thank you.

I felt strong. I have come through this whole ankle situation, fairly mentally intact, and pretty darn near physically normal. Granted if I was still running I would need my inhaler, and maybe the reflux would kick in again, but for now my body is at peace with itself.

Of course Advil is my best friend and rare is the day when I don't need a least a couple. I'm still determined to push my body as far as it can go, and sometimes beyond, but just recently it feels like MY body again. It's not the property of my surgeon, or my doctor, or a therapist. I am responsible for it, and I love it. Well, love may be a bit strong, since I still want to lose 20 pounds, but they are my 20 pounds, and I will do it the best way I see fit.

Fit. That's a great word. I may not be as thin or as strong as I once was, but I feel fit. Fit enough to deal with life. And that is worth everything I have gone through.

What makes a good parent?

2010-04-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

I was im'ing with my dad today, and the subject came up one way or the other about how my brother and I were raised. He essentially said that he feels he was a good parent because neither Keith nor I were ever arrested. Really? Isn't that setting the bar a little on the low side? Nothing in there about being a responsible adult, or earning a good living, or even that we put the seat down after we flush? The fact that we were never on a Post Office wall is the yard stick by which he measures.

So this is the question I am pondering with Mother's Day around the corner. What or when do you feel like you are a good parent? When your kids say 'please' and 'thank you'? That they get good grades and go to a good school? That you haven't caught them with drugs? Or yes, that they don't have a police record?

I know, because he told me so, that my father-in-law did not approve of the way I dealt with my girls. He thought I was too hard on them, when I made them sit up and pay attention or behave at a family function. He actually sat in a therapy session and said he was worried I was traumatizing them when I raised my voice at them. Okay I yelled sometimes, but show a parent who hasn't lost it every now and then, and I'll take off their head and show you a Stepford wife.

I love my girls with all my life, and they know that. Yes I have yelled, and I'm sure I will yell again. I may even say a bad word. But does that mean I'm an awful parent? I don't think so.

Sure we want our kids to be happy and successful and do something meaningful in life, and not just because we plan on moving in with them some day and letting them change our Depends. As parents we want to know that we have done our jobs. And yes, it is a job. Not one we always enjoy but for the most part we signed up for this gig and we better make damn sure we put all our effort into it.

I'm not trying to say my father or my mother were awful parents. They were from a different generation, where you just didn't engage as much with your children as we do now. I think it has swung a bit too much in the other direction, given all the little snots I see out in public having a tantrum and their parents are standing by shrugging their shoulders.

I guess what it comes down to is what I feel makes a good parent may not be what someone else would think. It's very subjective.

Update: I wrote this last week before graduation. My girls just got their grades and both of them made dean's list. I would like to think I had just a little to do with that.

Day whatever

2010-04-22T07:40:00.000-07:00

I made it through the first week and no one died! Actually it's almost 2 weeks and things are settling down into a kind of sick routine. Most every morning my stomach goes off like Mt. Vesuvius, but at least it doesn't last all day.

My sinuses are a pain and are in pain. I take the meds but it doesn't help very much. Coupled with the fact that I actually am fighting allergies right now and you might as well stick a box of tissues up each nose. I am the grossest swimmer ever.

My Pandora's box of emotions is still wide open. I cried at American Idol for God's sake! And forget trying to make a decision.

Although I have made one decision, finally. I am not going down to the Cap City Half Marathon on May 1. I had planned to go and be support to Scott and cheer on my friends, but I realized I don't want to. Why would I spend my birthday watching people do something I can't do anymore and pretend to be happy for them? Selfish? Maybe. Do I care if people think I'm selfish? No.

I'm going to go to my Body Pump class, swim my half mile, then get a smoothie. We have a crazy day anyway getting ready for my dad and Marilene to come. And I'm celebrating my day with Adele, which is a lot more fun, and then the next week is graduation so this is a break weekend.

Now that I have decided this is what I am going to do I feel a sense of relief. So much that I could cry. Oh wait, that's just the ASPCA commercial.

Day 7

2010-04-16T07:28:00.000-07:00

Uncontrollable crying has begun. It had to happen some time. I couldn't go the whole week without having a meltdown. It's a pain when I am crying so much I can't answer the phone at work.

I'm ready to curl up in a corner with Bare Bear until it all goes away.

I'd trade the nausea for this. Ironically that is getting better. I've developed a major mouth ulcer and my stomach is bloated.

Mostly I just want to sleep. For, like, 3 years.

Day 5

2010-04-14T10:56:00.000-07:00

I want to rip my sinuses out of my head and stomp on them.
I want to rip my stomach out and add that to the pile.
And my wildly erratic emotions can go on there too.

The best thing to do is just to put myself into a coma for about 3 weeks until this is all over.

Damn it all to hell I will not let this get the best of me.

Day 4

2010-04-13T08:08:00.000-07:00

Day 4 of withdrawal. My symptoms come and go but I have at least 2 that are consistent and annoying. The first is the brain farts. They can hit me anytime anywhere. Basically the room spins around briefly and I get the feeling that I've stood up too quickly.

The other symptom is nausea and stomach upset. This is the most common problem in coming off Cymbalta. I wake up and I have to get to the bathroom almost first thing. After I eat I feel sick, even if I don't eat my stomach feels very unsettled. I took Mylanta this morning and it has not helped. It settles down by the afternoon, but it makes the morning interesting. Kind of like having morning sickness all over again.

Needless to say there is a near constant headache thrown in. It's not nearly as bad as the weekend, but it comes and goes. 3 Advil usually takes care it for the most part.

Yesterday I got very agitated for not particular reason. Call it hormones from hell if you will. I decided to go to the gym and get a swim in to see if exercising would help release some pent up energy - that by the way I have no idea where that is coming from because I feel tired most of the day. I pitied the poor fool that would dare try to share a lane with me and get in my way.

Luckily for the world the pool was very unbusy and as I was getting in a lane the other swimmer was getting out so I had a very nice swim and a free mini lesson from Ann, who is going to give me a private lesson in a couple of weeks.

Mostly I just feel weird and kind of stoned. And another symptom is lack of inhibition, so I may just go out and buy a car or something.

And it's a good thing I'm such a bitch most of the time, because most people are irritable going through this. You think?

Coming down

2010-04-11T18:30:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to get off Cymbalta for a while. Now that the whole ankle/surgery thing is pretty much over, and I am on a reasonable exercise schedule, I don't think I need to be on it anymore. I still think it was necessary for me to go on it at the time. I was in so much pain, and at such a low point in my life I was ready to give up.

I did some reading on the net and the stories of getting off Cymbalta were not pretty. It sounded like it was as bad as when I got off Effexor. It made me more determined to get this stuff out of my body. I called Doctor Diorio and left a message that I wanted to start on Prozac to help counteract the effects of withdrawal. He called me back and told me that he had never heard of doing that but if I really wanted to he would give me a prescription for it. His best advice was to wean off the Cymbalta by taking one every other day, then slowing reducing the dose until I could stop. He said that it would essentially "suck" but there was no way around it. I have missed a pill every now and then and it sucked enough on its own, let alone trying to wean off this stuff. I did not want to try this without some kind of back up plan.

Yesterday I forgot about taking Cymbalta. I was feeling a little strange all day, and I even started thinking about maybe I wasn't ready for it yet. It occurred to me around 5:00 that I hadn't taken the pill and it was too late at this point of the day. I decided today was the day to start this. I took a Prozac and told Scott I was going to try not to take Cymbalta any more. I was expecting a rough night and it was.

First I dreamed that Scott had died. I don't remember the details but I know I cried a lot. Then I dreamed that Duff's wife had died and he was gone and I had to prepare for some meeting to do with food and all I could do was cry again. I woke up at 5:00 a.m. with a horrible headache so I took 3 Advil and went back to bed.

This morning Scott brought me coffee at 10:00 to get me up so I could take another Prozac. I felt okay for a while, then I started having brain shivers, or what I call brain farts. It's mostly just a big head rush. It got so bad that he had to drive me to the grocery store because I didn't trust myself to drive. By the time we finished shopping my hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't sign the check. I thought I needed another Prozac.

I had some lunch - that is what I really needed and took a long nap. Scott woke me up again at 4:00 and suggested that we go biking. I wasn't really up for it, but it was such a nice day I hated to waste it so I agreed. We had a nice ride but I was overly nervous about all the people on the road and the bike trail. Again by the time we got home I was having bad head rushes again. Now that we have had dinner and some wine I am feeling better. I'm nervous about having bad dreams again, and I'm wondering how I will handle it if I get head rushes at work tomorrow.

But I'm 2 days down now and I'm determined to get through this without going back to Cymbalta. I'm nothing if not stubborn.

Never get too comfortable

2010-04-08T07:24:00.000-07:00

So I've finally gotten to the point in my short but illustrious swimming life, where I actually feel comfortable in the water. I can share a lane and not worry too much about swimming into the other person. I enjoy going to the pool in the morning and talking to my swim friends. And other than the random comment from an instructor about how "she really needed to talk to me about my stroke" I feel like I'm getting the hang of this freestyle thing.

Then Cher and I decided we need to take some lessons to improve our stroke technique and also to get Cher back in the water. Our first lesson was last night. I was nervous that Kaylee would tell me my stroke was all wrong and I would have to change a bunch of things, but surprisingly she was pleased with what I could do. The first thing she wanted me to try was bi-lateral breathing. Cher can already do this, but she needed to work on her kicking. We both took kick boards and started off.

Let me tell you using a kick board is kick butt hard. If you don't kick really hard you don't go anywhere fast. I had the added fun of putting my head in the water and trying to breathe on my left side. It was awkward feeling and I wanted to stop right away and tell Kaylee I wanted to try something else.

After we used the boards a few times up and back, Kaylee had us try it swimming freestyle. It was awful. My head would not come up enough for me to get air and I swallowed water every time. I felt like I was panic swimming again, like I did when I was first learning how to swim laps and water was my enemy.

By the end of the half hour lesson I think I was getting some air in on the left side but I felt like I really had to reach my head up to get it. I left the pool feeling really frustrated, and also cold since I had forgotten to bring a towel. I had brought everything else, including enough food for a picnic lunch but nothing to dry off with. We sat in the sauna for a little bit, then I used a paper towel to dry myself enough to put my clothes back on.

I didn't think I was tired, but I went off at Scott later in the evening about how he controlled the TV and stomped upstairs. I don't even remember falling asleep but all the lights were on when I woke up later at 11:00.

This morning my back is really sore and my ribs hurt from all the twisting. I just want to quit. I've watched a few videos demonstrating bi-lateral breathing drills, and read about how important it is to breathe on both sides. I know I need to do this. I know if my girls wanted to quit I would tell them they need to toughen up and try harder.

But I don't care. This is me. And I don't want to do it.

Except I will.

I hate being responsible.

Growing older but not gracefully

2010-03-24T08:44:00.000-07:00

I don't' know when this happened but my morning ritual of applying makeup has become a lot less like applying makeup and more like refinishing the siding of a house. When did I get old?

I guess I first noticed it when Sarah was home from school and I let her try my trusty oil free makeup. She loved it so I let her keep it, and went to buy some more. I decided to go with a magazine suggestion for my "age group" so I grabbed what looked like it and some bottle next to it and took it home.

Then I realized how many "prep" steps there were to all this:

1. Wash face with something containing salicylic acid or whatever to kill zits.
2. Apply toner to remove more dead skin cells. Skin feels like shrink wrap.
3. Apply "Deep wrinkle" cream to frown line on forehead and frown lines around mouth.
4. Apply moisturizer with SPF 30 to prevent even more wrinkles from forming and to counteract all the previous applications.
5. Apply additional special eye creme that will reduce under eye circles and the ever spreading crow's feet.
6. Smear on primer. Primer? That's seriously what it is called. They might as well call it "crack filler" or something else equally insulting. It's a lovely pink color to add some kind of glow to my complexion.
7. Finally get to the make up part. It has the fun name of "age rewind", as if to say getting any older would be a bad idea, and this stuff intends to rewind me back to puberty. It even has a roller, like a paint brush, again to work into those cracks and wrinkles.
8. Usually by now I'm running late so the mascara application is always an afterthought. If I'm lucky I can get 2 coats on, but I rarely have time to comb out the clumps. I'm hoping my radiant makeup will distract people.
9. Use cotton swab to remove mascara smears that make my eyes look even more like I have lost a prize fight.
10. Which then reminds me to use my "eye con" cream to hide the dark circles. It also has a brightener in it to make my eyes look less sunk in.
11. Dig around for whatever blush I can find and swipe it on with old brush that leaves little black looking hairs on my face.
12. Supposedly I'm supposed to apply a loose powder to "set" everything, but forget that crap. No eye shadow either.

But you know what really sucks? That crap really works! I can see a difference when I started the more age appropriate stuff. My skin does look and feel better and I'm so freaking radiant, people will either think I'm pregnant or on speed.

Of course I've given no thought whatsoever to what I am wearing that day, so I end up digging around on the floor for whatever has dropped or grab black pants and the nearest shirt. I wonder if they make "age rewind" clothes?

More Sadie trouble

2010-02-23T08:33:00.001-08:00

That little dog is going to be the death of either her or me, I have not decided. One morning in early January, Sadie was barking her little head off at something. Suddenly I heard a loud bump. I went running downstairs to find Sadie limping from behind the couch. She was truly in a lot of pain. I picked her up and held her, and I could feel her shaking. As I was comforting her, Adele and Sarah reminded me that I was sitting in front of our large living room window wearing absolutely nothing on my top half. Whoops.

By Monday I was concerned enough about her to call the vet and get their opinion. It was decided that Sadie needed to be seen right away, so I called Sarah and got her out of bed to take her since I had to be at work. I knew Sarah wouldn't mind getting up if it had to do with the little monster.

Sarah stopped by later and said the vet took an x-ray and thought that Sadie had ripped her ACL. She was to be kept very quiet, meaning we had to take her potty on a leash, no walks, no jumping, no playing. Tell that to a 10 month old dog. Only a couple days on the pain killers and she was ready to resume life as usual. I admit we gave up on the whole potty/leash thing after a week or so. Of course there was a lot of snow on the ground and I just didn't want to go out there.

And of course the vet told Sarah that she would probably need surgery to fix her leg. One visit ran over $160 so I didn't even want to know how much surgery would be. And of course they wanted us to bring Sadie back so they could take another x-ray with her sedated, so they could get a better look at her injury. We haven't done that either. It's not that I don't love her, I just think the vet is really jumping the gun with the whole surgery thing. We did limit her walks, and Scott quit taking her running, and a month and a half after this she seems to be doing really well. I still see her limping every now and then, but for the most part she is not in any pain.

I'm still debating on whether to take another x-ray. I checked out a couple of web sites that say surgery is not the best option for this injury and I am inclined to agree, especially since she is so young. She can certainly still annoy the hell out of Winnie.

tylenol trouble

2009-11-19T08:41:00.001-08:00

So Sadie the Satan dog has done it again. Last Friday I wanted to get into work early to get a mailing going. Everything was going well and I was on schedule to be at work at 8:00 a.m. I had on my nice white sweater and even threw a white ribbon in my hair because I felt so perky.

I was standing in the kitchen taking my pills and I was fishing my tylenol out of the bottle and one popped out of my hand and slid across the floor. I saw Sadie skid in the general direction of it and when I looked closer it was gone. Would she really eat a Tylenol? Upon closer inspection I had to conclude she did.

I called the vet and told the girl that my 10 pound puppy just ate a 500 mg tylenol. She put me on hold for a few minutes then came back and said, "Ok you are going to have to make her throw up. Do you have any peroxide?" Peroxide? Yes we do, so I had to give her 1 tsp of it. If she didn't get sick in a few minutes I was to repeat it.

She lapped it right now and we headed outside to play. Nothing seemed to be happening or maybe I was just really impatient, so I got some more down her. She was not as enthusiastic this time because the stuff has to taste horrible. A few minutes later we were playing ball and I saw her stop and get this surprised look in her eyes, then she leaned over and barfed up her breakfast amid all this foamy stuff. I took a stick and poked around in it to see if I saw the pill but it was too gross, and besides, the little dummy was trying to eat it. I took a hose and doused it all away. Oh yuck. But I was only 1/2 hour late so all was good.

I put Sadie back inside, told her what a good girl she was and gave her and Win a special treat and headed for work. On the way I called the vet to report my good news. The girl asked how many times Sadie had been sick, and I said, "One but it was big." She said, "Oh, no she has to get sick at least twice to make sure her stomach is empty." Are you kidding me? I have to do this again?

By now I was already at work, so I ran in and told Alice I had to go back. As I was leaving she yelled out to bring her back a bagel. Oh yes, I will remember that.

I got home and had to chase Sadie around the living room for 5 minutes to get her treat away from her. Then I tried to get more peroxide down her. She was not having any of that. She fought, scratched and tried to bite me. I ended up sitting on her. I spilled the first batch so I poured 2 tsp into an old medicine vial that I used for the girls when they were little and pried Sadie's mouth open and poured it all in.

Then we went back outside to play some more. It didn't take too long for her to give me that strange look again, and she slunk away and got sick, then got sick again. I called the vet and told them, and they said that was good enough, she should probably be okay.

By now Sadie was behind a bush hiding. I called her to come inside and she wouldn't budge. I tried treats, ball - nothing worked. I would go to one side of the bush and she would run to the other side. I had to get on my hands and knees and crawl through the bush and grab her by the collar and pull her out and carry her into the house. I gave her back her treat. She was not impressed. Winnie meanwhile, had been pacing and crying at my yelling so I petted her a minute and told her it was not her fault.

Now it was 9:00 and time for me to be at work. My jeans and white sweater were dirty, I had sticks in my hair, and I was about to cry. I headed back to work, deep breathing to try to control myself.

Luckily I drive right by a Tim Horton's so I remembered the bagel and also got myself a chocolate doughnut for all my trouble. Alice picked the sticks out of my hair for me.

Scott called later and started to laugh until I told him in no uncertain terms that there was nothing funny about it, and he had better be prepared to take care of her that night.

I checked on Sadie at lunch and there was some brown liquid on the kitchen floor I assume was more peroxide. She was not quite as happy to see me as usual but by the end of the night we were best buds again.

The end of my journey

2009-10-31T09:22:00.000-07:00

So for the most part it's over. I had the long awaited appointment with Dr. Nunley after my MRI and an x-ray. And everything looks good, great in fact. One year out and the bone is growing in well, swelling is minimal and the pain is practically non existent. I will wean out of Big Foot by Christmas and go on and live my life with no limitations - save one.

I can not run again -ever. Yes I was surprised to hear that. In the back of my mind I thought I could run a little every now and then, maybe a mile around my park. But Dr. Nunley was very clear. I still have AVN, I will always have AVN. It is an incurable disease. What he did for me was to arrest the progression of this disease.

Walking put 2 times the body weight on an ankle. Running put 10 times the body weight. Do the math. I have the equivalent of St. Andreas fault in my ankle. It's visible in the MRI. If I put too much pressure on my ankle that fault will grow. Running is simply not worth the risk to my body.

But it's still a loss. I have lost something that was very special to me for so many reasons. Just going out for a 3 mile run made me feel like I had accomplished something that day, no matter what else happened. Crossing a finish line in a race was a big deal. Running with my husband through Highbanks on a beautiful fall day, laughing at him catching the falling leaves, gave me joy.

Yes I can walk through all those experiences. Scott and I can still go out in the woods and shuffle through the leaves together. We can ride bikes together when the weather permits. Somehow running makes that experience different, more special. I've been so caught up in my own loss I hadn't realized that he has lost something also. Last night at dinner, Scott told me he saw a couple running together, laughing at something. He felt sad because that used to be us.

I am exhausted this week. I have napped every day since we got home, and slept 9 hours every night. Today I slept until 10:00. I'm trying to get up the energy to get dressed. I have avoided the gym because I know I will have to go through another round of explanations.

I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want to be anyone's inspiration or be told how brave I've been, or how lucky I am that I can still do so many other things. I just want to be me, whatever version that is.

Fall Yearnings

2009-10-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about this time of year but lately I've been missing running more than usual . I'm not sure if it's the weather, or that this is the height of race season and I've been hearing about people's races and PR's and qualifying for Boston.

Most likely it's the fact that I'm so close to the end of my own marathon of sorts. In my dreams I'm one of those creatures on Wild Animal Kingdom, who has been sedated so it can be tagged or whatever. After the scientists are finished they stand around the animal, who wakes up, and after a few staggering steps, gracefully lopes away into the jungle as if nothing has happened. I want to be that animal.

I have no idea what the reality will be. I doubt Dr. Nunley will let me lope out of his office, and given recent events, I don't think I dare try. I'm going to have enough trouble explaining how my finger ended up in a splint. I will be content with walking out of his office without wearing Big Foot.

Speaking of my old side kick, I don't have the heart to throw the old brace away after all the time we spent together. I'm thinking of making it into a planter or perhaps some type of art. I'm open to suggestions.

Church love

2009-10-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

Being a not very social person I have some issues with church . When we attend church and especially when we usher I try to avoid passing the peace at all cost. All it entails is getting up and shaking hands with everyone, but I don't like it. I usually get up and go to the bathroom when I think it is coming up.

Sunday was our last day to usher for the month. I knew I was going to get crap from people with my finger in a splint as well as my PTB brace. Of course everybody wanted to know "what happened now?" Even the special needs guy who likes to help us usher asked me what I had done now. I was able to deal with it most of the time. Scott let me out of leading people for communion so I waited for him until it was almost over to go down with him.

By the end of communion people start to get bored. It is supposed to be a time for retrospection and prayer but how long can one pray? So when Scott and I made our way down the aisle to get our bread and wine I knew we were being watched. It was no problem to hold everything but getting it all to the prayer rail proved to be an issue. I put the cup on the rail and Scott helped lower me down. I even managed not to spill the wine.

Getting up was the real issue. Scotty grabbed my arm and I braced myself on the rail and hopped up. I turned around and half the congregation was staring at us. I had to resist the temptation to throw my arm up in a victory salute.

On the way back up the aisle, people were waiting to give blessings for healing. I walked up to the woman waiting and told her I needed a double shot. She was trying not to laugh. I'm so glad I could be an amusement.

Jinxed

2009-09-29T15:02:00.000-07:00

I was congratulating myself yesterday on making it almost through 2009 without surgery or an injury. Just one month to go and I could be a free woman.

I was home for lunch when I saw the UPS truck pull up delivering a package I had ordered for the girls for Christmas. I went out to the porch to pick it up and I stupidly left the door ajar. Sadie poked her head out and saw a rabbit and the chase was on....

What I should have done was just left her go and hope that she would get tired and come back. Of course what I did was yell and chase her. Sadie ran into the neighbor's backyard and I thought I had her. I shut the gate and was closing in on her when she found a hole in the fence and ran out the back into the weeds. I turned to head out and I saw Winnie pooping in their yard. Great....

I got Win back in the house and grabbed a leash. I started down at the other end of the creek and started walking back calling her name. I finally saw her behind our other neighbor's house sniffing around. She had no intention of coming to me. I flushed her out to our fence and I was just about to grab her when my foot slipped...

Next thing I know I was siding three feet down the creek bank. All I could think about was not hurting my ankle but there was nothing to grab on to. I landed on my left side and had to crawl out. When I stood up I noticed my left pinky finger was bent funny and would not move. Sadie was staring at me waiting to run...

I screamed out her name loudly enough so that she finally stopped so I could grab her and throw her over the fence. I walked back through the neighbor's gate and started to sob - great big little girl sobs. I sobbed all the way into the house, while finding my cell phone and calling Scott who did not answer...

I called my co-worker, Alice who came over and took me to the doctor. I got worried when the doc looked at me and said he would get me a shot of Tramydol without me asking. How bad was this?

X-rays showed no break. Doc numbed up my finger, which hurt like hell. Then he left the room for a few minutes because he was "so tempted to start yanking on it." By then Alice and I had the giggles. I layed down on the table and closed my eyes and waited. I told doc just to do it and not tell me. I kept saying I was ready and he said, "I already did it. Didn't you feel the pop? I did." And that was it. He taped it up and I was done. Longest lunch hour ever.

I've got 4 weeks in the splint. I should be able to take it off about the time I get off my brace.

Next time Sadie gets loose she can just run for it. I'll wait inside.

Fear of the Future?

2009-09-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

So all I've done for the past year is whine about being in a cast or a brace or whatever, and now that the time has come when I have to get out of everything and walk on my own two feet I am scared to death!

I was talking about it with a woman at the gym and she equated it with being in prison. Imagine being in prison for 2 years and getting used to the lifestyle. Then you are free but you forget what it's like on the outside and you feel more comfortable being locked away. I'm sure my ankle and I will be on parole for a while until I get strength built up but my impression is that once I am out of the brace I am out for good. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself because it might not happen, but I feel so good right now I think Dr. Nunley will let me out.

I won't get rid of my trolley either. Somehow I keep thinking if I give it away something will happen and I will need it again. I wonder if I will ever feel safe that this won't come back or hit me in another joint.

3 months

2009-07-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

Just in case anyone is keeping track - I know I am:

3 months until my next orthopedic appointment, MRI and hopefully out of the brace! October 26, and I will be home for Halloween this year.

I still dream about wearing pretty shoes. I swear when all this is over I will not wear a pair of tie up shoes for a year unless it is to exercise.

My step mother had another procedure to check her breathing. Her bronchial tube is collapsing, and that explains why she is always having trouble processing her oxygen. There is nothing they can do for it either, except keep her on inhalers. She is having a full body MRI Sunday to see why her back and leg are hurting. I hope it's not a pinched nerve or something that will require more surgery. She has been through so much already.

Our friend Milt had his knee replaced today. The surgery went well and he is comfortable right now with a nerve block. Those things are wonderful. He is in good shape, so his PT should not be too bad. I am hoping we can all bike together this fall.

Mean people suck

2009-07-09T06:39:00.000-07:00

I knew I would get some looks from using a handicap pass at time, but I was totally unprepared for what happened yesterday.

Alice and I went to the grocery store to buy supplies for the office. I was wearing longish shorts but my brace was still clearly visible. I parked in a handicap spot and as I was putting up my pass I heard a loud honk. I looked up and there was an angry looking old woman in the spot next to me. I assumed she wanted in the spot and my door was open so I put up the pass and quickly got out, shut the door and started to walk away.

She rolled down her window and yelled at me if I was really handicapped. I said yes. She asked where my pass was and I pointed at it. She said, "Yeah you really look handicapped!" I was stunned. I said, "I'm in a brace!", and she said something like whatever, she should report me for faking it.

By that time I was pissed. I didn't go over to her but I looked at her and told her to mind her own business. Believe me that's not what I wanted to say. She yelled back that it was her business if I was taking her spot. Alice was just standing there not quite knowing what to say. We finally walked off.

When we were in the store we saw the old woman walk in with her cart. Alice warned me not to say anything else. I told her I wouldn't but if she accosted me again all bets were off. I so wanted to tell her off but how would it look for me to be yelling at a "poor defenseless" old lady so I took the high road.

What nerve! She had to park one whole space next to me, and it was right in front of the store. It's almost funny now but what business is it of hers?

I've had it. I'm taking a mental health day tomorrow and ripping down wallpaper.

We didn't mess around in the store either and high tailed it out of there before the old bat yelled at me again. I wish she would try to report me. That would show her.

small changes

2009-06-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure whether it's from the acupuncture for my elbow, or the fact that half my clothes no longer fit me, but I am finally climbing out of the hole I've been hiding in and realizing that I have to make some positive changes in my life.

Dr. Diorio has been putting some extra needles in me to help me get back my "mojo" as he calls it and maybe that's working. Yesterday for the first time, I came home from work and actually felt like working out, instead of wanting to take a nap and then later on drag my butt to the gym.

Another positive change is that with Scott out town I have to get up an hour earlier in order to get the dogs walked before work. Coincidentally I just read on a web site that taking a walk in the morning can boost your energy. Hmm. I have enjoyed getting out in the morning when it's cooler even though walking Sadie is like having trying to reel in a fish. One of her favorite things to do is to lay down on the grass and have me drag her along.

I'm also drinking a full glass of water first thing every morning even before I have my coffee. I don't know if it is helping but I sure am hitting the bathroom a lot. And my craving for chocolate is directly related to how much wine I have had. I guess that means cutting back on the wine some. I would love it if Scott would come home and I would have lost even 5 pounds.

The really frustrating thing is all these e-mails and things I get all start with the tag line "Drop a dress size in 4 weeks" and then I click on it and it's all about incorporating running into your workout routine. I did water run last night for about an hour. I don't know how effective it was but my foot started to cramp after a while so it must have been somewhat of an exertion. I'm going to start alternating it with my swimming or maybe do it on days when the weather is bad and I have to swim inside anyway.

Scott gave me a beautiful ring for our 25th anniversary. He still believes in me, and he believes that some day I will be whole again and will be able to do whatever I want to do. The least I can do is believe in myself and start taking better care of what I have.

Life with a puppy

2009-05-26T08:23:00.000-07:00

What were we thinking? You don't think when there is an adorable puppy staring at you with that sweet puppy breath and those adorable brown eyes. All you can think is, "I have to have this cutie."

Not that Sadie is not one of the cutest things I have ever seen. (Sorry Win.) And she gets cuter every day as her fur comes in more. Her ears are standing up now and they seem twice as big as they need to be. And when she is in one of her rare quiet modes you just want to pick her up and snuggle her.

Then she bites. She bites Sarah's hand. She bites our feet. She bit my breast once and I flung her off the chair. She steals the trash and chews up dirty tissues. She bites Winnie's face and hangs onto her beard. Win does not hesitate to smack the crap out of her. I have taken to performing a sort of kung fu maneuver where I put her on her back and pin her down, while saying NO. It's working sort of. Now she is licking us to death. Right in the mouth too.

Scott is trying to channel the Dog Whisperer. He walks around saying things like, "She needs to know who the pack leader is", and "she's not balanced." I'm beginning to wonder who the unbalanced one is in the family. He has also decided that we have not been walking Winnie properly so he is now taking her on two walks a day, dragging her along. He claims she is behaving better. I think she is just too tired to fight him after having to deal with Sadie all day. Win has taken to hiking in our room. I've been letting her sleep with me some nights.

But she is so funny! She will run to Win's bowl, grab a piece of food and throw it around the living room for 5 minutes before she eats it. It's hysterical. Everything is so fun for her. And if we yell at her, in 2 seconds she's over it, and ready to play again.

I forgot how expensive it can be also. I just paid $80 for another check up and we have to go back in a month for 3 more shots. Plus the food, and I always find a new toy for her, and she's outgrowing her collar already. And let's not forget the tinkle clean up stuff that we are using by the gallon.

Then it's night time and she and Winnie are finally tired, and she snuggles up somewhere near me and falls asleep. Often we have to pick her up and put her to bed in her crate. I don't know what we were thinking but I love little Satan, er Sadie.

6 month check up

2009-05-03T18:08:00.000-07:00

I was so excited for this appointment. I just knew this was going to be good news and I was not disappointed.

We left my dad's house in time to get lunch before going to the clinic. We also went to a book store and I bought a puppy handling book for Sadie. I knew I was going to get an x-ray but the technician and I were confused because it was written as a non-weight bearing one. I knew that could not be right so we made the executive decision to have me stand.

My appointment was scheduled at 1:30 so I was prepared to have to wait. Once we got in a room I had a lot of time to read the puppy book. Finally a med student came in and showed us the x-rays. She brought up my x-rays from December and there was obvious bone growth in the new x-ray. I was pleased too but I wanted to hear from the doctor's own mouth that he saw improvement.

The student was very nice. She was also a runner so we talked a bit about my chances for running again and the possibility of me doing a sprint triathlon later this year. She said I was the most active surgery patient she had ever talked to.

Finally Dr. Nunley came in all smiles as usual. He glanced at my x-ray then examined my foot. He was impressed with my range of motion. I told him that my scar could get sore especially after I took Big Foot off. He was pressing on the scar and hit a particularly sore spot. I yelped and he smiled and said, "That's where I took the bone out." Then he kept pressing on it! I asked him about scar tissue and he showed me that because the scar could move so easily across my skin it showed that I did not have any impingement. Unfortunately he was still pressing on the spot where he took out the bone. There is a little bit of a sadistic nature in that man.

He told me I needed to wear Big Foot for 6 more months. I kind of whined about that and he went into this thing about he tells everyone they have to wear the brace for a year and why does no one ever believe him? As I was complaining that the brace was hot, Scott said Dr. Nunley was looking at my x-rays and smiling broadly. Then he said my Big Foot was one of the smallest ones he had seen, so in other words, quitcher bitchin'.

We went over what I could do for exercise. Swimming is still the best exercise for me. I am allowed to add in water running also. Biking is great as long as it is on a stationary bike. He doesn't want me outside in case I fall. I was glancing at Scott praying he would not mention the fact that I had already fallen. So it was not big surprise when we asked if I could do the sprint tri if I promised to walk the 2 miles, that Dr. Nunley said no without any hesitation.

I told Dr. Nunley what my orthoped had mentioned about cutting the brace down to fit below my knee. He said David had no idea what he was talking about and I was to leave the brace the way it was.

Other than that I would call this visit a huge success. I will come back in 6 months and get an MRI in the morning then see Dr. Nunley in the afternoon. Being from out of town the scheduler made an effort to get everything done in one day.

Adventures in laundry

2009-04-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

The girls came home this weekend for Easter, bringing with them their usual assortment of dirty laundry. Being the super mom that I am I decided to get an early start on it yesterday after I got home from the gym.

I started with the white load, and while I was standing at the washer I took off Big Foot and my socks to throw in. I looked up and there stood Scott wrapped in a towel with his dirty running clothes in his hand to add to the pile of dirty delicates. It seemed like a pretty good idea to dump my dirty clothes right there so I would not have to carry them back downstairs later so I stripped off my workout clothes also.

Just then we heard the timer go off in the kitchen alerting me to the fact that the 2 dozen eggs I was boiling for lunch tomorrow were finished. We both ran upstairs and as I headed for the stove I realized I had nary a stitch of clothing on and all the curtains were open. I grabbed one of Scott's jackets hanging on the back of the basement door and threw it on.

Meanwhile Scott had grabbed the eggs off the stove and was trying to drain the water out of the pan but his towel was slipping off, giving any one who happened to walk by our a house a very special Easter surprise. As he stood at the sink I stood behind him holding his towel with one hand and holding the almost too short jacket closed around me. It was team work at its best. I was almost hoping for one of those pesky tree trimming guys to come to the door at just that moment. I figured we would either get one hell of a deal or they would never bother us again.

After the eggs were safely drained - Scott was very careful not to splash any hot water near his towel- we headed upstairs as fast as we could. I let him hold his own towel and I carried Big Foot in front of me as a shield. We managed to make it to the safety of our room without the girls seeing us.

I'm thinking I should keep a spare robe down in the laundry room in case this happens again.

Catch up time

2009-04-06T10:58:00.001-07:00

I've been neglecting my posting, which I look at as a positive sign. Since I have been feeling better I don't need to use my blog to whine and complain as much.

Things are good. My ankle is feeling great in big foot. It actually hurts more when I take it off at night. The scar gets really stiff from not moving around. Other than that life is not bad. I'm swimming a mile most days, and I've up'd my time and resistance on the stationary bike at they gym. I did fall off my bike a couple of weeks ago and dinged up my knee. It scared the crap out of me because I torked my ankle some but it seems okay now. I see my OS in 3 weeks and I am hoping that I can either cut down big foot or at least wear my black brace without having to use crutches.

I admit that I have been cheating. I am so tired of using crutches and my trolley when I'm not in a brace that I have been walking around with no support. This freaks out Scott so I try not to do it when he's home. I know I shouldn't do it, but sometimes I can't take it.

Now that I know we are getting our new puppy girl - whose name is now officially Sadie - I am so excited. Of course she is just adorable as all puppies are. My dad and step mother call with updates and send pictures every few days. They are going to have a hard time letting her go. It's going to be a lot of work because she will barely be 7 weeks old and hardly weaned from her mommy. Dad is already trying to feed them milk from a bowl so I am hopeful she will be ready to leave when we come down.

As for the whole weight thing I alternernate between throwing my hands up and saying to hell with it, and really trying to watch what I eat. I've been reading the Clean Eating book, and while it is a bit over the top it does have some really good ideas in it. A lot of it is obvious stuff - no chips, no fried food, but some of it makes sense, like eating smaller meals through out the day. We'll see.

no pain... no pain

2009-03-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure when it happened but I was standing talking to someone and I realized I was not in pain anymore. I don't feel a thing when I walk, or when I stand up after sitting in a chair. That was the biggest issue I had before surgery.

I went to get my hair cut yesterday and I strolled into the salon and my friend gasped, "Look at you walking with no limp or anything!" Wow I guess not. The fact that I have stopped thinking about it is huge.

My knee still gets irritated by the brace by the end of the day and it always feels good to get out of it and move my foot around. I can get lazy and use my scooter to get around on when I don't feel like putting my foot back on.

Scott and I took our bikes out on Sunday. I didn't go far but wow was it nice to be outside. My ankle did hurt when I pushed off but by the next day I felt fine so I think I can start getting out more often now that the weather is finally starting to warm up some. I'm not quite ready for a ride out to Dutch Kitchen but maybe in a month or so I'll be willing to try it.

I'm most excited about the prospect of getting a puppy. My dad's Westie had 7 puppies and Dad has promised me the only girl. It will be quite a change for us and for Winnie, but I am hopeful that she will eventually accept another girl into the house as long as she knows she is safe with Mommy.

Turning the Corner

2009-02-28T18:03:00.000-08:00

4 months since surgery and I think I am finally getting a handle on things. I am slowing getting used to Big Foot again and my energy level is coming back a bit. The most exciting thing is that my swimming has improved so much since I started. I don't know what happened but I think I am feeling more confident and I don't have to think about what I am doing every second. I can almost keep up with Scott now and I don't feel so intimated swimming with strangers. It still takes me 1/2 hour to swim 1/2 mile but I have been working on my speed and arm turnover. Now that I can kick I am staying more level in the water. Finally!

I'm biking for 20 minutes at a time on level 5. I feel like I could go longer but I am really nervous about doing too much. Body Pump is still a challenge but I'm determined to stick with it.

Most importantly I'm working on my attitude. I have this huge chip on my shoulder about being a handicap person however temporary it may be. I have told people that when I was in my boot I was an injured person but in Big Foot I feel like a freak. I knew I had to get over this so one day I wore a skirt to work and then to the grocery store. I know from the back it looks like an artificial leg so I was prepared for the stares. It's kind of funny. People try not to look but when I catch them they start smiling like a crazy person. An employee even helped me in the self check out. This may not be such a bad thing after all. It's my own perception after all. Most of the time people don't even see the stupid thing.

Certain things still bug me. When I'm at the gym people all the time will say to me what a trooper I am or how inspiring I am that I am working out, and how if it were them they would not bother to work out, yada yada. Today I said to one, "What am I supposed to do? Sit at home at watch myself gain weight?" I try not to take it to heart they are only being nice, but for heaven's sake! Maybe if I hadn't been so active before the surgery I could sit around and get fat but I am not going to let that happen again. My weight is already up to danger level, but "luckily" I caught the stomach flu from Adele and lost 5 pounds. Woo Hoo!

An employee at the gym did call me the handicap girl today when I asked for class number for Scott because he was parking the car. Just for a second I wanted to smack her but, hey I am the handicap girl - but not forever.

Somebody smack me!

2009-02-10T08:39:00.001-08:00

I love that scene in Airplane! when the woman is panicking and all the people line up to beat the crap out of her. I wonder if I said, "Somebody slap me!" how many people would line up for me?

I was sitting at Panera last night feeling like someone just stole my last cookie and I couldn't understand why. Didn't I just get everything I wanted? I can walk, and I really don't even need my crutches. I can drive, although it still feels awkward. So what the hell is my problem?

I have realized it's that I have lost control over my life. I let the disease and my recovery take over, and I just followed along letting it take me where ever it wanted to go. Why not eat half a pound of peanut M&M's and drink a bottle of wine? I'm a poor cripple girl who needs strangers to open doors for her and sadly shake their heads when they think I'm not looking.

So now, as Scott puts it I don't even look handicapped anymore so it's time to get back out there and be a responsible person. Cher made a good point. It's like postpartum depression. I've been waiting so long for this and now that it has, so what? It's not like I enjoyed being driven around like Miss Daisy but the thrill of driving myself to the grocery store passes quickly.

Maybe once I start moving more it will be easier. I've been sitting like a lump for so long my energy level is zip. Just walking around Target last night completely wiped me out. I was flying through the pool with my floatie, now I will have to work harder to kick across. I've gotten lazy.

It's scary too. Like most people with AVN I live in fear of injuring my ankle. It's no way to live but until at least a year has passed, maybe more every step is a question mark. What is that pain? Is that normal?

So step up and be the one to take the first shot. This is a limited time offer.

So much to do!

2009-02-07T15:25:00.001-08:00

After over 2 weeks of waiting to hear from my surgeon, and numerous phone calls to the office I finally got news yesterday. And it was all good.

I was told all this good news by Ray the PA, who got it from Dr. Nunley. I didn't expect to hear from "the man" himself. Ray said I can go into my pcp brace right away and start walking. I balked a little at that and said I was not sure how I could start walking after being non weight bearing for 3+ months. He agreed, and told me to start with 50 pounds of pressure, then add on each week until by the 4th week I am completely weight bearing without using any crutches. I have no restrictions, within reason. I can swim and kick and ride a bike (no spinning) and drive! He mentioned something about no trampoline jumping. Well okay, I'll keep that in mind.

I put Big Foot on to go up with Scott to take the girls out to dinner. I decided against taking my crutches, but instead took a walking stick to take some of the pressure off. It was a strange feeling to have 2 shoes on, and after a while my scar started to hurt from the pressure of the laces against my foot. Since I have to wear a tie up shoe I'll have to get used to it.

It was just too exciting. I walked like Yoda, and I am probably faster on my crutches, but it's progress, even if it's baby steps.

And then today I drove! As he promised Scott started my poor little Ranger car, that had been sitting so lonely in the garage. I had told myself that I would drive myself to Graeter's and get ice cream but I was actually so nervous about driving again, that I stayed around the neighborhood. Tomorrow I promised Sarah we would go get whatever ice cream we wanted.

Give and Take

2009-01-28T10:48:00.001-08:00

I've been wanting to get another dog for a long time. After Christmas when the girls went back to school that yearning was stronger than ever. The house is just too quiet and Win spends most of her time sleeping like an 11 year old dog would. Scott was not thrilled with the idea but I have been so down with this ankle issue and lack of ability to exercise that he said if I could find a suitable rescue he was open to the idea.

Friday I was looking around the web site. It is very hard to adopt a scottie from a rescue group without going through an approval process. They won't even post the ones available until you have applied and are approved. I had read an article in the paper about petfinder.com and I got on there. I saw the most adorable wheaten scottie, who looked just like Win, available in Indiana. The only problem is that is 4 hours away from us.

I sent an email out right away and was told she was still available. I filled out a quick online application and was told I would be perfect to take Moira. They were going to be at a Petsmart in Terre Haute on Saturday and they would bring her with them for us. Scott was all for it so we packed up Win and a spare blanket and headed over. I had told the people that Winnie had final approval of a new pet and they agreed that it was a good idea to bring her.

Moira was adorable. I sat down and she immediately put her head in my lap. Her fur was a mess and they said they had not had a chance to bathe her because she had just been spayed. Win didn't seem to mind her too much and she was too busy looking around at the other dogs. Scott sat down and Moira went over to him and put her head in his lap. I knew he was taken with her too.

We went over to a quieter spot so we could get acquainted. Win jumped around a little bit but they seemed to like each other. Moira likes anyone. I could tell she just wanted to be loved and petted and underneath the dirty fur she was so pretty. Her legs seemed shorter than a scottie, and she had a lot of characteristics of a westie. I told the people we wanted her. Scott walked both dogs around to shop for a crate and food, and I filled out the paperwork and wrote a check for $450. We even had Moira groomed just a little bit to get some of the dirty fur off her. They shaved the top of her back and around her tail.

I couldn't wait to get home with her. I called the girls on the way and told them we had the dog and we could name her anything we wanted since they had just had gotten her that week and she didn't know a name yet. We debated names and I told them we would decide the next day after we had a chance to get her home and see what she responded to.

Scott started acting strangely when we got home. He complained of a stuffy nose and itching. He has some allergy to dogs but has never reacted to Winnie so I figured it was just because the new dog was so dirty. We weren't allowed to bathe her because of the spaying but I figured we could go buy some of those pet wipes and clean her off the next day.

By 2:00 am Scott was up taking a shower and saying he was feeling worse and he thought he was allergic to the dog. I didn't think it could be possible. She looks as much like a scottie as Win, but since she was picked up as a stray there was no proof of that. I was not too worried about it. The dog had so far been very well behaved except for sitting in Win's favorite chair. She was house broken, and other than a runny nose she seemed fine.

Sunday morning Scott woke me up at 8:00 and said the new dog was coughing and sneezing. I went to check on her and she was sneezing out green stuff. They had given up some pills to help with the cold and she had just gotten shots but I could tell she didn't feel great.

Scott was sitting at the table repeatedly sighing. He said he was sure he was allergic to the dog and he didn't think he could live with her. He didn't think she was a full bred scottie. I told him I would take her to the vet and have her checked out but once he has made his mind up about something I knew it was fruitless to try to change it. We called the rescue group and they said we were welcome to bring her back and they would give us back our check. That was another 8 hour round trip and there was no way I was going to go, so Scott loaded the dog in her crate and took off. As soon as he left I laid down on the floor and cried. When I lifted my head up Winnie was sitting my me looking concerned. At least I have my little sweetie.

I have since reconnected with the scottie lady that lives nearby and I have filled out a 4 page application to apply for a rescue. It will happen when the time is right.

The Waiting Game

2009-01-28T10:35:00.001-08:00

I had my x-rays taken. I was surprised when I went in that Dr. Nunley had ordered standing x-rays instead of having me lie on the table. Both the tech and I were pretty nervous about it, especially since the tech was not used to doing my type of x-ray and I am not weight bearing. We made it work though, and I put enough weight on my foot to make it "ouch" but not be too painful.

I was advised that if I wanted Dr. Nunley to get the results right away to take the CD of the x-rays and overnight them to Duke myself. Stupid me did not check with the doctor's office so the address I used was not correct and the package ended up going to another part of Duke in another city. It ended up not mattering much because my doctor had gone to Switzerland to present at a medical conference and will be gone until February 2!

My hope was that the PA there would be able to look at the results and make a recommendation but I finally heard yesterday that he was not comfortable doing that, so I will have to wait until next week. I made it clear that I am eager to hear when I can begin weight bearing and driving and Amy promised me that she would pass that along to him.

I feel bad for Alice who has been picking me up for work and bringing me home for so long. She is planning to take some vacation days next week and if boss is out of town I will be stuck.

So more waiting. I should be getting good at this, since all I ever seem to do is wait for results but this getting older than old. I'm already working from home today since we had so much snow and it is continuing to fall. Scott has grounded me for the next two days.

Notorious

2009-01-18T12:21:00.000-08:00

One of the "side effects" of being on crutches and using a trolley with bright red tape on the seat is that people tend to remember me. I readily admit that I have a horrible time remembering faces and names, mostly due to the fact that I'm too busy trying not to say something stupid or wondering what they are looking at (can they see that zit? Is there something in my teeth?) to actually look at the person enough so I'll recognize them again.

Just yesterday Scott and I walked into the gym and 2 women started talking to me as if we had had many previous conversations. I know we must have talked at some point because they were both aware of my surgery and my diagnosis. Yikes! Since we were all standing in line to get a body pump number I assumed I saw them in class at one point or another. So I started dropping little hints to figure out when I might have started this intimate relationship with two people who did not even look familiar. I would say, "So were you in class last Tuesday? I was really distracted," and watch their reaction to see if I had completely offended them or not.

There's another woman in our class who I found out likes to stand behind Scott because "he knows what he's doing" and one night when we were late she went on and on about how upset she was that we weren't there in time to get our spot. Wouldn't know her if I tripped over her.

Part of the problem is that I truly don't like people staring at me, and if they make conversation I will spout out my spiel about the surgery and try to get the hell away from them. Another problem is that having this stupid disease has made me self centered. Is that person walking toward me going to trip my crutches? Why are they smiling at me like I need to be wearing a safety helmet?

We were wandering around the grocery story yesterday and an employee walked by and stopped.

"Oh my god are you still on that thing?"
"Uh, yeah at least for a couple of more weeks."
"Oh my god, girl, you have got to be careful out there before you rip another tendon and have to stay on that thing. I don't see how you do this!"
"Um, well I have my husband here..."
"Well you have more patience than I do. (Insert some mindless babbling.) You be careful out there hon! I'll see you soon!"

The employee walks away. I turned to Scott and said, "Honest to god honey. I've never seen that man before." Scott was laughing all the way to the check out.

Out in the parking lot, Scott was loading the trolley into the back of the van. A woman walked by and called out, "Where ever did you find that?" Scott rolled his eyes at me and said, "EBay." I said, "See honey, even you get noticed."

I have my x-ray next week. I'm not sure how long it will take for the results to get down to Dr. Nunley but I am hoping to hear something by next Friday. I at least want to hear when I can start putting weight on my foot, and the all important when I can drive question answered. The first place I'm going to drive to is Graeter's for a milk shake. Yum.

Coping, part deux

2009-01-16T06:45:00.000-08:00

I've put on enough weight between the surgery and the weather that buying new clothes right now is not an option. But I still have the need to treat myself once in a while so what's a girl to do?

For starters, I'm in to makeup. Cher got me hooked on Benefit. I am in love with the Dallas blush, and when I ordered on line I got samples of other stuff to play with. As my birthday approaches I'm also looking for that miracle wrinkle cream. What actually is working well for me is to use Tazorac, which is an acne med that Sarah uses.

I also get these e-mails from Gilt Group that advertises good buys on high end products. Most of the time I don't even look at them but I was particularly vulnerable yesterday so I opened it up and there was a lovely umbrella. Of course I already have a very serviceable umbrella from Brookstone but it's in the van. Never mind the fact that I can't even use an umbrella right now unless I want to clamp it on to my crutches. This one is made my Davek and is billed as the finest umbrella ever made. Well then! I did go on line to check it out and I found some group of men from England that were weighing the pros and cons of the Davek versus some other brand. They were quite opinionated. I also checked to see if this thing really retailed for $95, and it actually does! Gilt was offering it for the low, low price of $39 so I decided to go for it. Stupid me ordered it in black instead of red, how boring.

So now I am getting this very expensive umbrella that I will probably end up leaving at a restaurant. Way to blow $50.

Coping

2009-01-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

There's only one thing to do when your girls have left after being home for a month, and Scott has left too to go to a meeting, and it's just you and the dog, and you can't help but cry a little because the house is way too quiet and empty and your heart feels like a squeezed out sponge.

You cut yourself a big piece of cake (from the corner) with part of an icing rose, and get a big glass of milk, because that's the only thing that will make it past the lump in your throat and you turn on stupid TV and turn the volume up loud so you can pretend the house is full of your family again.

2009 Begins

2009-01-05T08:40:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's because my condition is not life threatening that I'm losing my patience with the whole thing. Maybe it's my runner's mentality that I am closing in on my imagined finish line that I want to kick it in and make time move faster. Or maybe I'm just sick of the whole damn thing and want it to go away.

For what ever reason the fact that it is now January is very disheartening. One would think that with merely one month to go being non weight bearing I would be excited. After all I've done 2 months of this, with relatively little complaining on my part, so what's 31 more days? I wish I could tell you. All I know is I woke up January 1 feeling like I had fallen down a hole with no rope to climb back up.
Things only got worse on January 2. Scott and I were both in a bad mood, and when they clash it can get ugly. He had a meltdown over where to recycle the old televisions and I had one over his constant yelling at the basketball games. It was totally inconsequential stuff but at that moment I was livid. When I came home from work I went right upstairs and went to bed - at 5:00 in the afternoon - and refused to come down for dinner. Very mature.

We talked it out Saturday morning. I cried and told him he didn't understand, and he said it has been hard for him too, and he feels guilty for running when I can't run with him, therefore he is not running and feeling frustrated. I never meant to make him feel guilty about running, but I'm sure I have in some way without even thinking about it. I also told him I am tired of being treated like I can't do a thing for myself and having people hover over me. (It didn't help that I took a chunk out of my thumb later in the day and was screaming for a band-aid.)

We went swimming on Sunday. It was a little crowded so we waited for a lane to open up for the two of us. Some guy tried to get in with us and Scott stood in his way and said I had just had surgery and to protect my ankle my doctor did not want anyone else in with us . There were 2 other lanes this man could have used, he just didn't want to be in with the uber swimmers. No matter what I know I can count on my hubby to protect me.

It was nice to be back in the water. I used a floatie, which feels strange now, and we swam for about 45 minutes. I was really tired by the end, more so than I thought I would be since my upper body is getting stronger, but I have not been lifting my arms like that for a while. We also need to get back to lifting weights again.

I know this will be over eventually, and I have to get through this. I have no choice other than to curl up into a ball and hide, but that would solve nothing. Right now it's a day by day thing. I owe it to the people that love me to toughen up, find my inner strength and crawl out of this hole. Stubborn me, I know there are ropes up there for me to grab, I just want to do it myself.

Good news

2008-12-18T07:06:00.000-08:00

I heard from Dr. Nunley's nurse yesterday that I am allowed to swim laps - with a floatie, or the more technical term pool buoy. All but one of my steri strips have come off and things look good, so as soon as Scott is willing to get me there I am ready to go!

I last swam on October 27th so I realize this is not going to be easy but it's activity and it's aerobic and maybe it will get me out of this funk. It's not that I'm depressed. I'm just tired of dragging myself on crutches, and even though I'm in the boot, it is heavy and clumsy. I face planted at work the other day and had to call for help to get up.

I've been trying to "man up" and resume as much normal activity as possible but lately I've been exhausted. I feel like no matter how much I sleep it's not enough, and with all the Christmas stuff going on I don't get to bed until 11:00 and I sleep until 8:00 and I still don't want to get up. Yesterday I went home at lunch and fell asleep and never made it back to work. It was all I could do to throw some dinner together. Most of the time Scott makes dinner, but he is tired too, and both us of are tired of eating out all the time.

Sarah is home now and she will pick up Adele on Friday. Having both of the girls home will definitely be a lift for me. After next Tuesday we will have a day to rest before the Christmas visitations start. I don't plan to do a thing for New year's eve. Give me a glass of champagne and put me to bed.

Travel lag

2008-12-11T07:45:00.000-08:00

Almost 1,000 miles and 24 hours later we have made the trip to Duke and back. We left Tuesday morning and were back by last night. Scott and I were standing in the kitchen last night and he looked at me and wearily said, "Weren't we just here yesterday morning?" The poor guy didn't know if he was coming or going.

In spite of all that the news is good. It's actually more of a "no news is good news" deal. We left my brother's house by 7:15 yesterday morning to make sure we would not get caught in traffic in Greensboro. We arrived at Duke 45 minutes early so we decided to go ahead and check in, and I was called back to the casting room almost immediately.

When I came in I saw David who had been in a car accident and crushed his heel and broke his left wrist. We were seated next to each other a month ago when I got my cast on and we had chatted a bit. There he was, sitting on the same table as last time with his cast off. We were both taking bets on whether we would be getting new casts or not. Mark told us that we were more than welcome to try to bargin with Dr. Nunley but not to expect to win.

I had to hang on to Scott when Mark took my cast off because it tickled so badly it was hard to keep my foot still. It felt so nice to get it off though. My ankle looked good, but my leg....ick. 6 weeks did not do much to improve its appearance. Then once my foot realized it was out of the warm quiet cast started to complain so I popped a couple of Tylenol before I had x-rays taken.

The x-rays looked fine and Dr. Nunley was in a good mood. He had a whole group of students with him so he was showing off a little bit. They all gathered around and he told me to flex my foot. I tried as hard as I could and he kept yelling, "More! More! Don't make me get my lighter out!" He finally seemed satisfied and told me I could start using my air cast. When I am home and sitting down I am to take the cast off and move my foot around as much as possible to start getting mobility back. Right now it moves just a little bit and it hurt like hell so I'm easing into it. I asked him how he thought I was healing and he said it would be a year before we know if the surgery was truly successful. Still no weight bearing for 6 more weeks. David also got an air cast and was told to start putting weight on his foot gradually until he could be full weight bearing in 6 weeks. He looked terrified. I can sympathize.

The other good news is that I need another set of x-rays taken in 6 weeks, and Dr. Nunley said I could have those done up here and sent down to him. I love North Carolina and I love seeing my family but I have seen quite enough of Duke Hospital for a while.

I forgot to ask if I am allowed to swim so I'll send Dr. Nunley an e-mail. Scott thinks my incision needs to heal a little more before I stick it in a pool. I'm too tired to try it today anyway.

As soon as we got home I got in the shower and started scrubbing my leg. I feel much better but it did not improve the appearance of it much. Oh well it's well hidden under the cast anyway.

A found piece of my youth

2008-12-02T06:24:00.000-08:00

This is a book from my childhood. Lately my brother and I have been reminiscing about all the toys and things that disappeared. We know where they have gone - either our mother or her husband threw most of them away. My brother had spent countless hours making models cars and everyone one of them is gone. So are my dolls and our games. Our old Christmas decorations are also gone.

This book is one of my first memories. I remember sitting on the sofa and my grandmother reading stories to me, but I could not remember the name of the book. I knew the synopses of a few of the stories and I tried a Google search but I could find nothing.

I came upon a website called Stump the Bookseller (http://www.loganberrybooks.com/stump.html) where for $2.00 anyone can post a question about a book in hopes that someone might know the title. I did this in early October and had not heard anything, so I pretty much forgot about it. Yesterday I thought about it again so I checked the site and someone had given me the answer! I am so happy. I found a copy in very good condition from an online bookseller so I ordered it right away. I hope to keep this copy forever and maybe one day read it to my own grandchildren.

I was at the library last week during a book sale and I was browsing through the old record albums. I found 4 of the old Firestone Christmas albums from the 60's that we used to listen to so I snatched them up for for .50 each.

We used to have another Christmas album called "The First Christmas Record for Children." My brother and I used to sit in front of our huge stereo and listen to it together. It has been re-released in CD but it was missing one piece by Red Skelton called "The Littlest Christmas Tree." I found a copy of that and the seller is also making me a CD of it so I can give it to my brother as a surprise. I'm copying the others also and will give them to my brother and father. It's a small thing but having the chance to reconnect to something that has such good memories gives me some peace. I know my brother will love it too.

Year End Reflections

2008-11-29T11:14:00.000-08:00

It's not quite the end of 2008 but I was reflecting on this year as I was getting dressed this morning. Certainly it's been eventful, and never a dull moment.

I told Scott today that I was sorry for everything he has been through with me. I know he would have done nothing different, but I don't think anyone ever asked him how he was feeling during all this. I've had 2 surgeries, we sent our youngest off to college, he had to help me through my severe depression and all total about 5 months of driving me around when I was unable to do so myself. Not to mention the episodes when all he could do was hold me while I cried over one thing or another, or taking me to the gym and helping me in and out of the pool.

I was feeling kind of proud of myself this morning that I was still "standing" as it were after all this, but I realize I would not be standing at all if it were not for the unselfish love Scott, my girls and my friends and family have shown me all year. There are people in my AVN group who have family members that no longer to speak to them because they cannot deal with the fact that a loved one has a disease. So sad.

So those are my deep thoughts for the day.

As Scott, Sarah and I were driving to Macy's this morning (because I was bored and begged Scott to get me out of the house) I realized I had not called Michelle lately. I was leaving her a voice mail that went something like this:

"Hi Michelle, it's Lisa, sorry I didn't get back to you about Thanksgiving. We were.... wait is that you? Yes it's you running down the street! And there's Jessica! Oh my gosh I'm talking to you and there you are!"

At least she'll get a chuckle when she gets home.

My AVN Support Group

2008-11-24T10:16:00.001-08:00

I haven't mentioned much about the e-mail group I belong to because many times I was ready to unsubscribe. When I first got on and read all about what these people are going through with multiple body parts affected by AVN my thought was that I didn't belong there. I had AVN in one small part of my body with no chance (hopefully) of it affecting any other joints. Most of the group have had both hips replaced and are looking at core decompressions of their shoulders or knees. It was too much to take in.

But I did stay and no one has ever said to me that my case is any less important because of where it is or that I have not had multiple occurrences. They prayed for me for both surgeries and have called me a "hero" for having the bone graft. Today the leader of our group who has AVN and just recently fought cancer had this to say:

Embrace who you are, and where you are. Let your inner Love shine out, and it will come back to you a thousand fold. Do not let anything such as an illness or great trial take it away from you, nor give it up, for it is your birth-right, your `inheritance' from a Greater Power, and is truly the greatest gift you will ever have. Live life in the Now, let go of the past, and stay rooted in the present. "One day, one step at a time."

If having AVN has taught me anything it is to live life as much as I can and not to let fear stand in my way. I've also not been taking the crap that some people want to throw at me. I'm a little bit tougher now, and also more sensitive to others and what pain they are going through in their own lives.

When my girls came home from school the first thing Adele said to me was that I looked so good. She said before I went to NC that I looked tired and stressed and now I looked rested. I must have been a bigger wreck than I thought I was.

Back home

2008-11-21T07:36:00.000-08:00

I had no idea how wonderful it would feel to be back home in my bed. The trip home was not painful, just boring. Scott finally had to stop at a rest stop and buy me a video to keep me occupied.

Winnie slept the entire way and once we got home she crawled into her chair and slept the rest of the night. She has been by my side ever since. She was pretty pissed that she no longer got hot dogs in her food, but after a couple of days hunger took over and she is eating her regular food again.

I've been bored and slightly depressed lately, mostly because I've been here alone all day. Scott tries to get home as soon as he can, but I can't count on him all the time. Besides my girls are coming home today for a week and I'll have plenty of company.

Cher picked me up and she and Teresa and I had lunch yesterday. It was so nice to get out and have time with friends. Afterward Cher drove me to work. It was more than I probably should have done because I got a massive headache with nausea. I should have listened to my brother about the "do one thing a day" rule. Today Alice is picking me up for a few hours at work, then bringing me back home and that's it. There's nothing much going on right now anyway and it's a good way to get back into the swing of things without too much stress.

God I bore myself sometimes. I really need a life.

Going home

2008-11-12T10:21:00.000-08:00

I'm going home! I just got the cutest card in the mail from Scott. I knew before I even opened it that it was from him. He said he missed me and couldn't wait to come down this weekend. It reminded me of when we used to write each other when we were dating.

So my post op check up was fine and I don't have to come back for a month. I'm sporting a lovely blue cast that is currently feeling a little snug and stiff but that is to be expected after the bandages that were practically falling off my foot. I had about 20 stitches that were removed and even I had to agree that my foot looked good. There was very little swelling. I was surprised at where Dr. Nunley cut. I will be very interested to hear what he has to say in December.

My dad and step mom went with me to the appt. and I had to hold my dad's hand when the tech put the cast on and gently forced my foot into that 90 degree position that is required. It was not as bad as last time but it is never a pleasant experience. You never get too old have your daddy with you.

On the way home we stopped by the outlet stores. I got another pair of my favorite Bass Weejin loafers. I told my girls that they would have to wear the right one for me so it will be broken in by the time I wore it. I also bought several things for the girls for Christmas and a couple of things for me that I can always give to Scott to give to me for Christmas. :)

It was a little too much activity for the day. My foot started to swell and by the time we got home it was hurting. I had a tough night trying to get comfortable enough to sleep. I had take more pain medicine than I am used to so I felt like crap this morning. I've done nothing today but lie around with my foot up, but it is feeling better.

I felt terribly sad to have missed seeing Sarah on her birthday but we talked on Skype and cell phone a couple of times and she is excited that I will be home soon. Scott is headed down Friday and we will gather everything together and leave on Sunday.

I have enjoyed the time with my dad and Marilene. They opened their house to Winnie and me and took such good care of us that we are both spoiled. But all good things must end and I need to get back to work some time and get back to some sort of regular routine. I can never thank them enough.

My version

2008-11-08T08:11:00.000-08:00

I can't remember a lot about my surgery, which I think is a good thing. Scott and I spent a nice day after my pre op exam shopping at REI and having dinner. I could not believe how thorough the pre op was. I had blood drawn - no big surprise there as I knew they had to check my bleeding level, but I also had to have an EKG and discuss with a nurse what kind of anesthesia I wanted. I told her I wanted what I had last time - a nerve block and full anesthesia. She didn't think that would be a problem.

My only issue was that I was not down to spend the night at the surgical center. The nurse called Dr. Nunley's office and told them to get started right away on whether I was to have a room. I was upset that this was not settled, but the nurse said if it came to it they would put me in an ambulance and check me into the main hospital.

I tried very hard to be positive but by dinner I couldn't hold back the tears. I was so scared of the pain and what the doctor would find once he got in there. Scott tried to listen but he was frustrated that I was not more excited that this could fix my problem and that I was being so negative. That's me.

Once we got to our hotel I was bouncing off the walls. No way was I going to sleep. I laid there all night waiting to get back up at 5:00. One thing I had to do was shower the night before with medical soap and a scrub brush, then do it again the day of my surgery. It was kind of harsh soap and it made me itch.

That's as far as my memory goes. I checked in at the surgery center, got put in a bed, said bye to Scott, then that was it.

It's been 9 days now and I am feeling much better. I am getting bored of sitting around. I haven't been out except to have my blood drawn. I have gotten flowers and yummy cookies and my friends call to make sure I am doing okay. I can't tell you how much it means to me that I have had so many people pray and think about me.

My dad and step mom are taking great care of me, but I am missing home and my bed. I will be ready to do home by next weekend if the doctor approves.

2008-11-08T06:28:00.000-08:00

This is the post my husband sent out to our friends and family after my surgery, once he had to think about everything. It's long and involved but it's from his heart:

Dear Friends and Family,
Things have finally calmed down here at he hospital so I have time to give you a good account of Lisa's progress.. Short version: Everything has gone well and Lisa is recovering in the hospital tonight. Very little pain so far. Her surgeon came in as I was writing this and he was pleased how things went today. He went into detail about what he did and gave instructions for her recovery. He is very happy with her level of pain and recovery so far. So am I.

Long Version: As most of you know today was Lisa's second surgery to attempt to correct the AVN (Vascular Necrosis) bone disease in her right ankle that she has been fighting for the last year. She has lived in constant pain since this started and her only other option from her doctors in Columbus, was to have the joint fused. Lisa's brother Keith a medical PA (Physicians Assistant) found Dr Nunley at Duke doing research on his MD only web sites. Dr Nunley is the head of Orthopedic surgery here at Duke and one of the worlds experts on athletes who develop AVN in ankles. Links-> http://www5.aaos.org/courses/ankle/faculty/faculty_nunley.cfm http://www.dukehealth.org/physicians/2BC868406A69AB8185256DFD006A9358.

Talk about timing, about two years ago Dr. Nunley developed a new procedure to re-vascularize talus bone tissue in the ankle. He has attempted this surgery on 10 prior patients, all with success. Most of the patients were athletes that had severe trauma playing soccer or football. Chances of seeing and having Lisa declared as a good candidate for such a procedure was a long shot, but our best hope for a complete cure. Frankly, it was a little intimidating attempting to get a medical opinion and direct exam from the worlds best authority in this area of practice and research. During the appointment we made with him in September, he first sent several other doctors to take her medical history and perform the initial exam. After several hours we were informed that the 2 sets of MRIs taken in Columbus, were unreadable due to some kind of virus. This unfortunately meant that Dr. Nunley would not be able to give us much in terms of options. I happened to have my work laptop with me and asked if I could try to read one of the DVDs. Thanks to the miracle of Honda technology it somehow worked when I loaded the DVD.

Just as I brought up the pictures, Dr Nunley entered the exam room. He immediately began to exclaim 'How did you do that? ...how? ...how? This before he even introduced himself. He then began to examine the MRIs with great interest. He pointed out all the AVN issues he was seeing and how things looked bad. He then examined Lisa's ankle and had another Doctor retrieve a Doppler test device. He then proceeded to use the device with great intensity. After about what seemed like hours, but likely just a few minutes, he exclaimed that he felt he could help Lisa and repair the problem. Amazing! He then switched on his computer and showed us a presentation of his re-vacularization surgery techniques. How he could fix the problem by grafting a healthy bone, with blood vessels still attached from the foot area into the damaged talus bone . He felt since she was strong, young and healthy, with a good pulse to her foot bone area, that she was a good candidate to be another success story.

Since we were from out town, the pre-op and surgery were scheduled on back- to-back days with Surgery scheduled on 10/30. We drove to North Carolina on Tuesday and stayed at Lisa's fathers home in Concord. Wednesday we traveled to Durham, about a 2 hour trip. Our appointment was at 2pm and took several hours. A very thorough medical background and physical. We were informed that she would be first off in the morning and to arrive at 6 AM. We both found it hard to sleep last night. We arrived at the surgery center at 6 and Lisa's Dad Mose, showed up right as we were checking-in. The team got her ready and we met with all the Dr's including Dr Nunley. They warned us that the surgery might take 3 hours but thought it would be more like 2 hours tops.

I spend the next hour, trying to get online with a slow wireless connection, so I could send out Emails to Lisa's mailing list. Thankfully, Mose kept me busy for the next hour talking. We started to worry after 3 hours and no word. Then, I got a page. The front desk told me 'things were going well but they were still working'. I sent out the first email at that point. We then waited another 90 minutes with no more news, trying to stay positive. Finally, I got another page. She was in recovery and I could see her. When I got in the room she was barely awake, her skin color looked good, but she complained softly of a bad headache and felt nauseous. I passed this on to her nurse who decided to treat the sick stomach first. She gave her an IV to help but it put her back to sleep.

At that point Mose and I went to lunch while we waited for her to wake back up. About 30 minutes later about 1 pm, I went back to recovery. Lisa was still sleeping and the Nurse we woke her up. Her nausea was somewhat better, her vitals were good so they decided to move her to her room. Once she got in her room at 2, Mose could finally see her after waiting patiently since 6 AM, He paid a short visit, but she was having more problems with Nausea and headaches. That quickly passed as they gave her more drugs. The nursing care is first rate, and I'm getting lots of help with her every hour. The nurses showed me a special type of pain medicine that works like novocaine via her upper leg. She may have this on for a day or so to keep the pain down. So far no pain from her leg since the nerve block is still working. She still cannot feel or move her toes, as it is temporarily paralyzed by the block.

As we were having dinner, Dr Nunley came in after finishing all his surgeries today. He was in his usual good humor, and was very, very pleased with the way things went today. He told me the reason for the long procedure, was that he found a large amount of scar tissue that was interfering with the nerve at the top of her ankle. It took an extra hour or so to clean up the scar tissue and separate the blocked nerve. As a result she will not have any sensation on the top of her foot for about 3 months. The good news is that the micro surgery graft worked very well. She had a good vein attached to the good bone and it fit perfectly in the spot he made in the problem talus bone. He was quite pleased with this. He also said he was able to observe the bones and joints and everything looked very good, no cartilage damage, and no sign of any bone collapse. I asked about using Ice for the short term and he said no, that he likes to keep the spot warm and keep the room warm for that reason. He said this encourages circulation at the site. The most important thing to keep the swelling down was to keep the leg raised 'toes to the nose' for the next 3 days. No getting up except to go to the bathroom until Monday. Her first follow-up appointment will be two weeks from Wed, on November 12th.

Check-out tomorrow will include a large list of instructions for home care. I will drive her back to her Dad's in Concord who will take care of her next week. Dr. Nunley demonstrated how she should sit in the back seat with her foot kept high on the ride home. If all goes well, I will take her back home to Columbus on the weekend of Nov 15th, 16th. Long term the foot will be non weight bearing, using crutches, wheel chairs, and a scooter we purchased for her for the next three months. She will need to be in a protective boot for about 9 months to 1 year. Then re-hab, hopefully to full recovery! It will be a tough year, but will get through it will everyone's support. Thanks again for everyone's prayers, and kind wishes.

A special thanks to Mose for keeping me company today and for brother Keith who found this Blue Devil miracle worker!

My best to everyone,
Scott

3 days

2008-10-27T09:15:00.001-07:00

So now it's 3 days away. We leave tomorrow to drive down to Concord to my dad's. We will spend the night at his house and on Wednesday we will leave Win with him and head to Durham. Thursday is surgery with one night in the hospital, then Friday we go back to his house. I will stay with my dad until my post op appointment, and Scott will go home, then return for the appointment then take Win and me home.

This is the plan. However; my step mother is not well and she has to have a stress test tomorrow, the day we are arriving. If they discover something serious, she might have to have surgery right away. If that happens, we will just go home after my surgery. I would rather stay with my dad so we could spend time together, and I am really hoping his wife is okay. She has been through a lot of illness lately and does not need this.

My stomach hurts and I have a headache. I haven't packed yet. I overslept and missed church yesterday and Scott said the congregation prayed for me at both services. I would have been so embarrassed if I had been there. So many people have told me that they will be thinking of me and praying for me and it's so hard to take that in.

I swam 60 lengths at the pool after work. I was so tired by the end but I was determined to do it in an hour. I felt if I could do this, I can get through this week. If I can push my body just a little bit today I can push through the surgery on Thursday. It's a small thing, but it's one thing I can do for myself.

Vegas

2008-10-20T16:13:00.001-07:00

Scott and I are in Las Vegas for his data retention convention. I feel like we are on a second honeymoon. We arrived yesterday morning, and Scott had bought tickets to the Cirque d'soleil Love show for last night. It was as good as I expected it to be. Thursday we are going to "O". Tonight we are going to see the Titanic exhibit at one of the hotels.

I spent the whole day at the pool while Scott was in his sessions. He came and checked on me during his break to make sure I had everything I needed and to make sure I was using the room card for my meals. This is a joke way back from an occurance during our honeymoon that I can finally see as funny years later, although at the time I thought our new marriage was in big trouble.

I sat next to a nice woman at the pool whose husband is also attending the same conference. She helped me move my umbrealla closer to my chair and we spent the whole day chatting. She told me her husband's name I told her Scott's but I never introduced myself. It's my way of protecting myself. If I don't tell them my name then they don't really know me and when they go back and tell people about the strange woman they met at the pool, they won't be able to identify me.

I felt so special that Scott would take time to come out and see me at the pool. I proudly told my new friend that he had even suggested I go to the spa and get a massage or a facial if I wanted. Then I went on to explain that I am having surgery next week, and this is what they are going to do, and I won't be able to drive for 3 months. Oh dear, I just did it again. I can't meet anyone without going into the gory details of my life. No I won't tell you my name but let me tell you all about my breast reduction.

Barb finally introduced herself to me as she was leaving for the day and we both laughed that we hadn't bothered to share our names. She really is very nice and I hope to run into her again at the pool. I feel a little self conscious being there alone, but by the end of the day I realized no one really cares.

Vegas is loud and bright and I can't stand the sound of the slot machines so I doubt if I will even try them. So far the food has been amazing. Last night we ate Kobe hamburgers. I can never eat McDonald's again.

Martha wannabe

2008-10-14T07:29:00.000-07:00

I should have known better. Never start a Martha Stewart recipe at 9:00 at night if you want to get to bed on time.

My girls are coming home today and they requested my home made chili. I wanted to surprise them with a special dessert. I found the perfect one in my latest Martha magazine - Triple Chocolate Pumpkin Pie. It called for a graham cracker crust - home made of course, but it looked pretty easy.

Scott and I got home from the gym about 9:00 and got to work. First thing to do was to grind up a ton of graham crackers, so I threw a bunch in my blender. They weren't moving around much so I took a wooden spoon and started poking them down. Suddenly stuff went flying all over the place. I had stuck the spoon too far down and ground it up with the graham crackers. I couldn't even tell which part was the spoon. So that whole batch hit the trash.

After we cleaned out the blender, Scott insisted on taking over. My boss had given me an Ulu chopping set from Alaska and Scott had been wanting to try it. I, of course, am not allowed to touch knives while he is around. I must admit he did a nice job of grinding up everything.

We finally get the crust in the oven to bake and it's already 9:20. He starts chopping chocolate in the Ulu, and I can tell he's really into it. He started chanting, "Ulu, Ulu" and I was laughing so hard I scared the dog, who had come in to lick up the rest of the graham cracker crumbs that gone flying across the floor.

We get the filling made and I looked at the directions. Bake for 55 to 60 minutes. Crap! At this rate I'll be up until midnight.

While the pie is baking we started on the chili. I gave all the onions to Ulu master to cut up, but his eyes teared up so badly we had to take turns at it. There has to be a better way to cut up onions.

Scott decided he would take charge of the chili, so at 10:45 I decided it would be safe to go get out of my sweaty gym clothes. The pie finally came out at close to 11:00. We looked at the directions. Let cool, then refrigerate. I voted just to stick the thing in the fridge right away, but Scott was watching football so he said he would watch it and put it away for me.

I finally went to bed at 11:30. When I got up this morning the chili and the pie were both in the fridge and they both look wonderful. I hope the girls appreciate what we went through, even if we did have a blast.

Living my life

2008-10-11T13:54:00.000-07:00

I've been so afraid of doing something to hurt myself before surgery that I have been over reacting to anything. Last night in the car I started screaming at Scott because I was convinced he was pulling in front of another car that was going to hit my side and injure me. He stayed calm and told me that he would never do anything to put me in harms way. Of course he wouldn't. It was then I realized I have been holding on too tight and I needed to relax a little. And what better way than dinner with friends? It was Cher's birthday and we went to a great restaurant and sat outside. I had not one, but two martinis, so by the end of the evening I was more than relaxed. I was so relaxed that I slept straight through to 9:00 this morning, missing body pump class.

It's a beautiful day here so we decided to get out the bikes. I've not been riding because I was afraid I would fall, but once I got out it felt so nice to be outside. We rode to the optometrist to pick out new glasses. Scott, being a man, put on 2 pairs and immediately found one he liked so he was done. I had to try on everything just to be sure. There were so many persona's to pick from. I could either be a fashionista Audrey Hepburn, or a girl with a "don't mess me with me" 'tude, or the ever classic Grace Kelly. I ended up going with Grace, and buying a new pair of sunglasses with my prescription. I haven't had a good pair of sunglasses in a while so I hope I don't lose them.

While we were walking our bikes down the sidewalk to get a snack we passed a store with a sale on some beautiful belts. I saw one I liked so Scott bought it but we had no place to put it so I had to wear it. I was the most stylin' biker on the road.

It was a very relaxing ride. We were supposed to meet up with other friends for breakfast but I told Scott I really didn't want to mess with it and I would rather spend the time with him. The closer it gets to the 30th, the less I want to be around a group of people. This might be hard to avoid when we go to Vegas but for now I need the quiet time.

3 weeks

2008-10-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

Today is officially 3 weeks from my surgery. I am trying hard to be focused and not panic, but yesterday I was thinking about how the doctor is going to take piece of bone from my foot and it gave me the willies. I asked Scott if he would make sure I got enough drugs and he said, "For tonight?" My caregiver the comedian ladies and gentlemen, try the veal, he's here all week. He tried to assure me by saying there was not a lot of feeling in the bone area. What about the rest of the area?

I felt a little bad about whining after I read the paper this morning about 2 women suffering from cancer. I know this thing won't kill me. I have a pretty high pain threshold so I know I can deal with most pain. I think it's the fact that I just did this 8 months ago so I know how uncomfortable life can be and I just don't want to do it. That and I just got my right leg back to the same size as the left one even if it is not as strong. I could not believe how much it shriveled up last time from being in the cast.

I got my wheelie cart yesterday. Scott put it together for me. It's a little smaller than the other one so I should be able to maneuver easier. My wonderful boss used his points and got us a room at the Hilton for the day before surgery. Now all I need is to get my prescriptions for the Lovelox filled and pack for Vegas. Things are coming together. I just need to keep it together.

Swimming surprise

2008-10-07T06:47:00.000-07:00

I was not looking forward to going to the pool yesterday. I am getting bored with swimming and I didn't want another fight for a lane like I had last week, when this old guy kept getting in my way. Another swimmer and I finally had to complain about him. I have such bad luck with the older generation in the pool! I was whining to Scott on the way over that I would much rather be outside on such a nice day.

I got a lane inside and I was joking with a trainer about how cold the outside pool was and she said there were some people out there. I went out and stuck my toe in and it felt great so I ran back in and grabbed my stuff. Another swimmer told me the heater had been broken and she finally complained about it and the staff was not even aware of it.

I had the best swim! There was no one to get in my way, and for a while I was the only one in the pool. I told the lifeguard he didn't have to stay outside just for me, but he said he would rather be outside than in. I swam 40 laps - darn near a mile. The lifeguard said the pool would stay open until the end of October. Perfect timing.

The day was going so well until I was about ready to get in the shower and I caught my big toe on something and my nail ripped partially off. I had been expecting to lose it - I had hurt my toe months ago - but it freaked me out. I started yelling for Scott who ran in expecting blood. He just grabbed my toe and pulled it the rest of the way off and threw it away. I was whimpering and crying and he looked at me like, "How is this girl going to survive surgery?" I'll tell you how. With major drugs.

Dentist

2008-10-01T06:49:00.000-07:00

I don't normally like to go to the dentist - who does? But I had a cavity that needed attention and I wanted to get it fixed before my surgery. Our dentist is also our friend Rick so I trust him, but I still don't like to go.

Scott had gone in yesterday morning for some extended work, and when he called all he could talk about was how he got to watch a movie while they worked on him. It was a little hard to understand what he was saying because he sounded like a stroke victim, but he didn't sound like he was in any pain so I felt a little better.

When I got in the chair I started to get nervous about getting numbed. I haven't had a cavity filled in a long time and I didn't like the idea of a needle in my gum. Rick did a great job but it is a little strange having someone you know grab you by the lip and shake it like a chew toy.

Rick asked about Scott and I said all he could talk about was watching a movie. The assistant said, "Oh do you want to watch one too? Here is our list." There was a choice of about 50 movies! I picked Dirty Dancing. She said, "Oh that is one of my favorites next to Top Gun."

Top Gun? Oh, oh! Give me Top Gun! "Can you take long enough for me to see the volley ball scene?" Rick promised he would and would even slow the movie down if I wanted.

They put this pair of goggles on me with headphones so I actually watched the movie in the glasses. How cool was that? Rick turned the volume up so I wouldn't hear the drill so much. The movie was also playing on the TV above me, and I caught the assistant looking up a few times to watch it. I must have been drooling a lot because she kept jamming the suction hose on my tongue. When the volley ball scene came on, Rick leaned down and said, "Here it is, are you watching?"

The whole thing took about an hour. Finally Rick looked at me under the goggles and said, "All finished." Wow! That was almost pleasant except for the tongue jamming and the fact that I could not feel my left nostril. Rick said he "numbed me up good" so I would be more comfortable. Okey dokey.

I felt good enough to go to the gym for weight class. People were laughing at me when I took a drink and the water would dribble down my chin, and Scott had to remind me to wipe my nose more. It is a very strange feeling to be able to feel one side of your nose and not the other.

Today I feel fine except my gum is a little tender. I'll stick to soft food for today.

I also went to my opthomologist and got a new prescription for glasses. I have neglected myself for a long time while I was dealing with my ankle so this is part of my new "Take care of myself" program, along with the "Do Nothing stupid until surgery" program.

It's October! Officially 29 days until ankle day.

Duke!

2008-09-27T15:47:00.000-07:00

When it comes to sports I am a die hard UNC fan. When it comes to my ankle it now belongs to Duke.

My brother Keith, Scott and I went to Duke on Monday. I had waited 3 month to see Dr. Nunley, the head of the orthopedic department and my best chance at finding an answer to what to do about my osteonecrosis.

They took an x-ray of my ankle. We first met with Dr. Orr, Dr. Nunley's fellow. He spent some time going over my symptoms and having me walk around to gauge the pain. He seemed impressed with the strength in my foot. We discussed how the AVN could have developed and no one could really come up with an answer. Dr. Orr agreed that my inhalers were not the cause. My brother said we were here to make sure that I was not missing any opportunity to heal my ankle. Then Dr. Orr told me the bad news. They could not read the copies of my MRI that I had sent them. This was bad. Without the MRI's Dr. Nunley could not accurately diagnose my condition.

Scott remembered that he had brought his laptop with him to the appointment so he could do some work while we waited. We had Dr. Orr bring us one of the copies and voila! there was my ankle in 3D. When Dr. Nunley came in and saw the MRI on the screen he didn't even introduce himself to me. He ran to the computer and started scrolling around. Then he started mumbling, "Not good, not good." He turned around and I said, "Hi, I'm Lisa."

He showed us on the MRI where the necrotic bone was, then where the live bone was surrounding it. Then he looked over my foot and felt for a pulse. He had me lie on the table and he took a doplar of my foot. The room was completely quiet. Dr. Nunley looked up and said, "I think I can help you." He said I was a perfect candidate for a free vascularized bone graft. This is the one procedure that I felt could come as close as anything to "heal" me.

We all gathered around Dr. Nunley's computer and he showed us slides of the procedure. He will take a piece of bone out of my foot and insert it into my ankle after he removes the necrotic bone. He has only done this 10 times, but he said so far all the patients seem to be doing well.

Dr. Nunley asked when I wanted to do this. I just stared at him so Scott said, "As soon as possible." He said, "Great, how is October?", and I said, "Well, we are going to Vegas." Dr. Nunley said, "Great! I'm going too, we can all meet up!" He really is very funny. I could hear Scott mumbling in the background that Vegas was the least of our worries. The doctors left, then Dr. Orr popped back in and asked if October 30 would work. I said we would make it work. I turned to my brother and asked what just happened and he said, "The best thing that could have ever happened." I was in shock. I never thought we would schedule surgery on the first appointment.

After that things happened in rapid order. Another doctor came in and introduced himself as part of the surgical team and gave me a brief overview of what would happen. Then a nurse came in to schedule my pre-operative exam. Since I am from out of town they will schedule it for the day before surgery. They quickly got orders written, prescriptions written, and instructions on when to go off my blood thinner within a matter of minutes. Since I am on coumadin I have earned myself another night in the hospital even though this surgery is still considered out patient. It will take about 90 minutes to complete. We will spend the night in a hotel right across the street from the hospital.

My post op exam will be in approximately 2 weeks from surgery. I am planning to spend the time at my dad's house so that I won't have to drive 7 hours home, then 7 hours back so soon. My dad is excited to be able to take care of me, and I can take my dog with me. Scott can go back to work for a while and won't have to worry about me being at home alone. How ironic that I just drove him down south for 2 weeks, and now it will be his turn.

It's starting to sink in now. I am definitely in a better frame of mind than before my first surgery. I have my moments of panic and fear that it won't happen, and I am not looking forward to another 3 months of non weight bearing, plus 1 year in the walking cast, but I am tough girl. I can do this if it means getting out of it forever.

Lights Out!

2008-09-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

Sunday was a bad weather day. All day it was very windy and hot and I felt really uneasy. The wind got stronger and stronger but the day was still sunny.

By the time the girls left to go back to school it was really gusting. I was very nervous about them leaving but Adele seemed confident enough and it wasn't raining so I let them go. They called me about 10 minutes later to tell me all the traffic lights were out on 33.

I was ironing and watching a movie when I started getting power hits, and finally my lights went out for good about 4:30. Then the wind really started howling. Winnie and I took refuge in my bedroom. I watched out the window as a huge branch broke loose from the tree out front and crashed to the ground. Every house on my street had branches and debris all over their yard.

By 8:00 I was hungry and the power was still out. I started driving around looking for dinner. The only place that had power was a pizza restaurant. I went in and ordered a pizza and was told it would take 45 minutes. I called my friend and co-worker to tell her we might not have power at work the next day and she told me to bring Win and come over and stay the night with her.

We did have power at work, which ended up being a good thing because I needed to charge my phone and at least I had internet. Over 100,000 people in Franklin county are without power, including almost everyone I know. The restaurants are packed, stop lights are still out, and in general things are a mess. I have spent last night with my friend and she told me to come over again tonight. We have been told it could be days before we get any power. I am taking some of my frozen stuff over to my boss's house tonight. I have not opened the freezer door so I hope the stuff is still okay.

Thank goodness I am leaving town tomorrow. Even the kennel I take Win is without power but they seem to be doing okay and they are open for business so I am taking my chances.

I am very lucky the house was not damaged like so many others around me. I still have water and if I lose the food, oh well. It's just stuff.

Family connections

2008-09-14T07:38:00.000-07:00

I know I have said this before but I am so blessed to have my family. My girls came home for the weekend and we had the nicest day yesterday! We went shopping for school supplies - never ending even in college- then we went to one of my favorite stores New York & Company, where they helped me find a new outfit and a great pea coat. Shopping therapy at its best!

Then we went and had our nails done. Sarah had never had a manicure and it has been a long while since I had one, and we enjoyed the pampering. We went out to a nice local place for dinner that was practically empty because everyone was at home for "The Game." The restaurant we were at was closing at 8:00 because they knew they would not get any business past then.

Combined with being able to connect with Scott again I am feeling more relaxed than before the girls went to school. I think my obsession with working out was trying to fill a void when they left. Yesterday I went to Body Pump and swam 25 laps afterward so I may just take a day off today and not feel guilty about it.

I met the sweetest man at the pool. His name is Jim and he had torn a tendon in his foot and has not been able to play racquetball. When I first saw him he was wearing a snorkel and these strange glove like things on his hand. He said he can't get the hang of turning his head to breathe and the gloves give him more resistance to work his chest. It was nice to talk to someone not completely obsessed with themselves. I have discovered most of the members here are total whiners.

I belong to a nice gym called Premier at Sawmill. The staff works hard and in general the place is very well run. Yesterday when we arrived at 8:00 and went into the exercise room the mirrors were all fogged over and everything was wet. The dehumidifier had filled up overnight and shut off. Humidity in the room has been an ongoing problem. People were just freaking out and going to the desk complaining that someone had not done their job. The poor girl at the desk was overwhelmed. Some of us worked together and one woman wiped off the mirrors and we were extra careful during class. Shit happens you know? Make the best of it.

I was swimming outside and a woman also swimming laps came over to me and said, "I feel like I could drown out here and no one would even notice! I have been a member since 1999 and if it were not for Body Pump I would leave this place!" I told her I guess she should complain at the front desk. What I wanted to say was, "Don't whine to me, I can't do anything about it." The outdoor pool is maybe 4 feet deep, and since it was so overcast only adults were swimming. The lifeguard was sitting inside at the door watching both pools. If she was that concerned for her safety then go swim inside where he could see her better. It's the older (meaning long term) members who are complaining the most about stuff. What? Since they have been here so long they have a right to complain? Deal with it or leave. I left another gym where half the time the bathroom was a mess and we had to bring our own locks. You want someone to kiss your hiney, then go somewhere else and pay more for it. Or better yet, so spend two weeks hiking the trail with Scott and see how much you appreciate what you have when you get back.

Second chances

2008-09-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I was pulling into the parking lot at the gym, who should pull in next to me with her own temporary handicap placard but Del the talkative swimmer? My first thought was "Oh crap." Then I stopped and said to myself this is a good chance to try again and listen. It wasn't hard. First thing she did was jump out of her car and recognize me. As we walked toward the entrance I heard all about the traffic and how she didn't want to waste time waiting so she turned around and went here. I didn't have to say a word. We checked in at the desk and she said, "See you out there!" and was gone. I didn't bother to say I wasn't swimming today, but I felt like I had tried to be a good listener.

Scott called today and I apologized to him for crying the whole time we were talking. Of course he understood, and I had to reassure him a couple of times that I really was fine.

Cher called while I was at the gym to see if I wanted to go to Las Margaritas after my workout. You don't have to ask me twice! We sat outside and had a great talk, and I didn't even check my cell phone for a whole half hour to see if Scott or the kids needed me. I really appreciate her thinking about me and getting me out. Next week I am going out with Teresa for dinner so the week will fly by until I head back down to NC.

So I can survive on my own with grown up friends. My girls are fine without me, my husband doesn't need me sitting by the phone, and the world did not end if I took some time for myself. Wow. Am I actually turning into a real life adult?

Sympathy

2008-09-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

I like to think I'm a sympathetic person. If someone is hurting or having a bad day, I'll listen to it and try to help. I guess I have my limits.

Yesterday I was not having the greatest of days. Worrying about Scott was sapping my energy. I took a nap after work, then made myself get up and go to they gym to swim. No good was going to come of me sitting by the phone.

I went to the outside pool and there were two other swimmers out there. The one in the lane looked like an uber swimmer and another was a girl swimming just outside the lane. I noticed a boot next to the pool, so when she came up I asked if it was hers. She said yes she had just had ankle surgery and was in the pool for the first time all summer. She had broken it playing tennis and had a plate in it. Then she asked me to keep my distance so I wouldn't be in danger of kicking her. Like I was out to hurt her? I mentioned that I had my own bad ankle so we could stay out of each others way.

We swam for a while, but if we were both at the end at the same time she started talking about her surgery, and how she couldn't play tennis and how she couldn't swim and this was her first time at PT, etc. Okay I get it, you are happy to be in the pool. She finally asked about my surgery but I could tell she really didn't give a care what had happened to me. It was all about how she was non weight bearing for 8 weeks. I said, yes but you could drive, I couldn't. She said, "Couldn't you teach yourself to drive left footed?" Sure I'll get right on that. I told her my daughter was an angel and drove me around so I didn't need to drive. She said her son wouldn't help her at all. Okay enough of the pissing contest. I was here to swim.

She finally gets in the lane after uber swimmer leaves and I left her alone since she needed the whole lane for her foot. She kept talking about how she could walk in the water and now it felt like an injury not a life sentence. Tell me about it. She said I could come in the lane if I promised not to breast stroke. I only know one stroke lady and that isn't it. I stayed where I was. I looked up later and anther swimmer was in the lane getting a lecture I am sure about not hurting her ankle.

She finally finished her swim and I asked if she needed help getting out of the pool. No she didn't need help but she started going on again about her stroke was off and she needed lessons to learn how to use her foot properly, blah, blah, blah. She might have to face the fact that she might never play tennis again, and she was so competitive. That did it. I told her I was a runner and had planned to qualify for Boston before my injury. I was facing the fact that I may never run again, plus I was looking at another surgery. I know it was not sympathetic of me to try to one up her but my patience had run out. And I was cold from standing in the water when I should have been swimming laps. I wished her luck, she wished me luck and she was gone. I felt badly about what I said afterwards. She obviously needed someone to talk to who could understand her frustrations and I was not being a good listener. Not that she would have noticed.

Thank goodness Scott called today. I think I cried the whole time I was on the phone with him. I was so relieved to hear he was okay, I just started babbling. Here he is out in the woods alone, and I said I was alone too, and I started sobbing about talking to the dog or some such nonsense. I needed someone to listen to ME. I really need to work on my listening skills.

bad day

2008-09-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

There is very little about a bad day that a hot Reuben sandwich and a cold beer cannot make better. With peanut M&M's for dessert.

Alone time

2008-09-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to like spending time with myself. Sunday I moped about the house, but by last night I was enjoying the quiet. I still don't sleep as well without Scott in the house, but I do like being able to set my own schedule. If I want to take a nap or eat dinner at whatever weird time I feel like, who cares?

I am discovering the zen in ironing. I had Scott set up my ironing board before he left and I am ironing all of my grandmother's giant table cloths and napkins that she gave me. I love spraying on the starch and watching the wrinkles disappear and when I finish I have a beautiful reminder of her and all the good times we had around the dining room table. I usually watch a movie or something on TV while I am working, and it makes the time go very quickly.

I'm also stripping the border off the girls' bathroom wall. They outgrew the duckies many years ago, and since no one is at home I go in whenever I feel like it and tear at it. It's not quite as much fun as ironing, but then I get to rip out all the old junk and put in nice new stuff. I need to find a tile person to repair the wall. It's going to look so nice once it is done. Then I plan to move onto the living room.

My girls are coming home for the weekend, so I won't be completely alone the whole time. Can it really be three weeks that they left for school?

6 month follow up

2008-09-05T07:30:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my 6 month follow up appointment for my right ankle CD. I had x-rays and they clearly show the AVN snaking across my talus. The good news is that the bone is still good for now.

My OS said that healing can take as long as 18 months for the bone to revascularize. Then again it could never happen. I told him I was going to Duke for a second opinion on Sept. 22 and he knows Dr. Nunley and said he would be great.

My options are: Wait and see if the bone heals itself. Wait until the bone collapses and have my ankle fused. Or look into having a vascularized bone graft, where they graft a vein from another part of my leg into the bone. Dr. Nunley is familiar with this procedure so I am excited to see if I can do this.

Meanwhile I continue to wear my brace and let pain be my guide to what activities I do. My doc did say I needed to lay off the squats in weight class. :) Swimming is still a great option and so is biking if I am careful.

I was ready to hear all this. I do like Dr. Philbin and he has truly done all he can to help me. This type of surgery is just not something he can do and the fact that he can admit it says a lot about him. He did say that Dr. Cook, the local hand surgeon is very talented and could also perform this surgery if I wanted to do it locally.

Now it's off to take Scott to Damascus for his hike. The house is really going to feel empty now.

Random Thoughts

2008-09-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

Most of my thoughts have been random lately. I cannot keep a thought process going. I walk around and a great idea for a blog comes to mind then I sit down and it's gone. I could blame it on any number of things going on in my life, but I think I'm just tired of dealing with my life.

But my girls are doing great! Sarah does not seem as home sick as she was and Adele feels more at home at school than here I think. She did admit that she misses me still, and I have to admit that made me feel good. I end every conversation with, "Do you need anything?" I walk such a thin line between wanting them to be independent, confident women, and wanting to be their mommy and make it all better. Letting go sucks.

Sunday was another half marathon. Teresa and I met for coffee, then went down to the river to watch the runners come by. The race started a half hour late so by the time we saw them at the half they looked hot, with very little shade to come. One of our friends quit when she saw us because she didn't feel like doing it anymore. We took her down to the finish to turn in her chip and to watch the others come in.

Standing at the finish line, seeing all the runners come through I felt a kick in my stomach. I want to feel the excitement of crossing a finish line again. I was happy for my friends and Scott, but I felt like such an outsider.

Once we got home I could not sit down. I imagine it was all the coffee I drank, but I was also feeling very agitated, so I went to the gym for a swim. I was lucky enough to get a lane even though I had to share most of the time with Grandma and Grandpa who seemed to think they didn't have to alert me that they were getting in my tiny lane and we would have to circle swim for freaking ever.

The more I swam the angrier I got. I was angry I couldn't run, I was angry at Scott for an unresolved argument (since resolved), angry I couldn't hike on the trail, angry my girls were gone. Grandma and Grandpa got splashed a lot. Finally they got out and I had the lane to myself.

I was told the other day that a mile in the outside pool was 44 laps. Okay I would do 44 laps. I swam in sets of 10, took a drink of water, then went again. I wanted to stop so badly but I told myself that if I couldn't do a half marathon I could swim a damn mile. Some of my body pump friends were watching me and that encouraged me to keep going. It took me a little over an hour to finish and I was dead tired. One of my friends said I was her hero for swimming that long. If only they knew.

Research

2008-08-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

I've been on the web again, looking for research information to take with me for my appoint at Duke. Every article uses the word "devastating"when referring to the occurrence of AVN. That pretty much sums it up doesn't it?

There are some exciting options out there. Unfortunately they all involve some kind of surgery. I'm willing to go through it again if would mean relief from the pain and the chance that I could get out of this brace. Now that Scott has moved to the Legal Department he has much more flexibility with his schedule to be able to help me if I end up going through the whole non-weight bearing thing again.

I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but Duke is a big research facility and surely they have dealt with this enough to offer some kind of help. If they can't, Johns Hopkins also does research. I see my surgeon next Friday and I am not expecting any kind of exciting news from him. I wear Big Foot and it helps with the pain, but I can tell that the fracture has not healed.

Meanwhile I am staying busy and trying not to miss my girls. Wednesday I went to the gym to swim. It was a rainy overcast day and all the uber swimmers were in the inside pool taking up all the lap lanes. I looked outside and there was no one in the pool. The lifeguards were lounging by the door and I asked if I could swim outside. They said I could do whatever my heart desired. It was great. The water was warm and I had the whole lane to myself. Another guy came out and swam next to me just outside the lane. He was listening to a swim man, which is just an ipod that has been waterproofed. He said it was the best thing he had ever bought. He had it clipped to the back of his goggles. I love the idea of listening to music while I swim. All I do now is count laps. Sounds like a great Christmas gift idea.

I swam 35 laps and was feeling pretty pleased with myself so I thought I would be ever so studly and go to the core attack class. I go to Body Pump 3 days a week, one little core class couldn't be that hard. Well. We did a lot of work on the ball, including bracing our feet against the wall and doing lateral sit ups. I must have done it all wrong because yesterday I could not move without my back seizing up. It's still really sore today. So much for my abs of steel. I'm not sure I can even swim today. This is a good day to sit in the hot tub.

Changes

2008-08-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

Another milestone has arrived. Both of my girls are away at college. We took Sarah on Thursday. She was packed and ready to go, but when we got to campus she got tears in her eyes and grabbed my hand. I guess reality hit her right then that she wasn't going home. She said several times that she didn't want to stay the night but we all knew she had to.

We spent the whole day moving her in, arranging her room and walking around campus making sure she had all her forms filled out and knew where she was going. Later we attended a reception with the president of OWU and went to convocation. It was a really nice ceremony and a special way to start her college life. All the professors were in their robes, and I found the speeches very meaningful.

Saying good-bye was tough, but Sarah knew we were coming back on Saturday to move Adele so that made leaving a little easier. In the meantime she had a lot of orientation programs to go to, so she was very busy.

I spent Friday with Adele shopping and going out to dinner. We hadn't had a lot of time to hang out this summer so I was glad to have alone time with her.

Saturday we spent the day moving Adele in to the same dorm as Sarah. They are on separate floors but on the same side of the building. We all had lunch together, then I made another trip to the store to get all the final necessities. After all this time you would think Adele would have what she needed, but it seems like she needs more every year. I don't know how it all fits in those small dorm rooms.

By 6:00 I was hot and tired and ready to leave. Sarah seemed settled and Adele had dinner plans so there was no reason for me to stick around. There were no tears. We just hugged and that was it. All I could think about was getting home. Scott had other plans so I would have the house to myself.

When I walked in the door, I felt like I had walked into a vacuum where all the life had been sucked out. I had a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach and I thought I would be ill. Why was I thinking that I would feel better here? I sat in my chair. There was no noise, no sound. Even all the appliances were quiet, like they all turned off at the same time. I must have sat there for 1/2 hour without moving or thinking. I finally roused myself enough to get a glass of wine and something to eat. I avoided going upstairs so I didn't have to see my girls' empty rooms. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I was aware of was Scott waking me up and telling me to go to bed.

Yesterday Scott spent all day with me. We went biking, we went to the grocery, he even put my clothes away for me. I still had moments that felt like my heart had been stomped on, but I made it through and it wasn't awful.

I've talked to Sarah today. She is doing well and found all of her classes today on her own. Of couse she misses me as much as I miss her, but so far things are good.

You know you're getting older...

2008-08-19T11:23:00.001-07:00

When your kid's friends say how good their parents look for "their age." Adele was at an end of summer party with her friends and the subject came up that we would soon be empty nesters. Her friends said Scott and I would be having mad sex all the time since we looked so good "for our age." I guess that's a compliment. It's a little creepy that they would think about that, but okay, I'll go with it.

Saturday when we were out biking we were resting at the start of the rails to trails path and a biker came up wearing a Honda bike jersey. I complimented him on it and said Scott worked there too. Come to find out I know this guy. He is also a runner and we went to LA for a couple of marathons together. When he realized it was me he asked Scott if he had a new wife. Excuse me? It's not like I was a whale or anything before. I actually beat him in a Columbus Marathon. True I have more muscle tone than I have before, but that was kind of a backhanded compliment. Scott said take it for what it was worth. Whatever. I don't work out to impress these people. I work out to feel good and to get those last few damn pounds off, which keep going away and playing hide and seek and coming back when I least expect it damn it!

The cost of doing things the right way

2008-08-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

I don't consider myself a label snob. Sure I love the high end stuff and if I could I would dress in Burberry and Ralph Lauren every day, but I don't have to have it. I have learning with running that if you want to get a good fit and a well made pair of running shoes you go to a specialist, in my case Front Runner, where they know people by name and will spend as much time as it takes to get you fitted. When it came time to get my bike we went to Trek, where we knew they would sell us a quality bike and I would get good advice.

So why didn't I think about this when I was looking for a swimsuit to swim laps in? It's just a suit. I went to the local sporting goods store and bought what appeared to be a decent looking suit. I wasn't swimming every day, so I didn't think it really mattered. And it didn't until I was putting my suit on one day and Adele gasped and told me my butt was quite literally showing through the bottom. I turned around and looked and sure enough the fabric was so worn out it was sheer. If I hadn't looked I would have made more than a splash at the gym!

Saturday we were biking with a woman who is quite knowledgeable about all things swimming. She was not surprised that my suit had disintegrated. She said if I wanted a decent suit I needed to go to a swim store, and not the kind in the mall. A store for serious swimmers. I hate going to these stores because I feel like the employees are going to snicker behind my back when I tell them what I want. "This woman thinks she knows how to swim? What a joke!"

Yesterday Sarah I and went to Aquatic Adventures. It's primarily a dive store but the owner also built a lap pool because he knew there are so few places for people to swim serious laps. There was a wonderful selections of very nice suits, and also there was a grab bag section of suits that were marked down from last year. I found a Speedo Endurance $78 suit for only $45. I decided that I also needed better goggles. I brought my old ones in and showed them to a kid who was probably no older than Adele. He looked at them and said, "I use the exact same goggles. What's wrong with them?" He had me put them on and all he did was tighten them up a little. It was nice not to be pressured to buy something I didn't need.

Saturday we had to go back to the Trek store because my front wheel is still squeeking. A cute young guy was helping us out and Scott mentioned I should look for clips. CYG said I should bike out the rest of the season and think about getting clips next year. He showed us a new bike that was wrecked because the woman got clips right away and fell over on it bending a major part and scratching up the paint job. Horrors! I am feeling much more confident on the bike after our big ride on Saturday to the Dutch Kitchen, aka cholesterol city, but I am not ready for the next step. I'm just happy my butt wasn't as sore as the last time.

I learned a lot this weekend. It's almost fun to be a newbie at something.

What?

2008-08-14T09:20:00.001-07:00

So my girls have been going to the gym with me almost every day. They use the elliptical trainer, run on the treadmill, bike, all that fun stuff for an hour. Adele has even tried to embrace Body Pump class at least once a week. They are both feeling more fit and are very pleaed with the changes they see.

Yesterday I called home to check on Adele, who was stuck at home without a car. She was bored and feeling cranky about being "stuck" at home. I told her if she was bored she could always come see me at work. When I was reminded that she was without a car I suggested she walk over, a distance of about a mile. There was silence on the phone and she said, "Walk?"

Are you kidding me? She is willing to drive to the gym and work out but not take a walk for no other reason than to get out of the house? I will never understand. It must be a generational thing.

On the other hand I swam 30 laps in the outdoor pool yesterday and it felt good. Going a 1/2 mile is not a big deal most of the time, unless I have been beating myself up too often. I tried to see how many days in a row I could work out and the answer was 20, then I crashed and burned. Lesson learned.

Tired and cranky

2008-08-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

I got really ticked off at Scott. He has been my number one supporter through all this, but last night he just did not say the right thing.

I had called the hyperbaric chamber place in Cincinnati to see how long it would take to make an appointment. The woman said that I was a "severe" case and she would make sure to fit me in. There was a cancellation for August 18th that I could have taken, but I wanted to wait to talk to Scott first before I made a decision. She told me that one treatment would be about $168.

I talked to Scott about it later, and he said he didn't understand why I was not trying to do more acupuncture. I said I was disappointed in what they did and I waited longer than the whole appointment took and it pissed me off so much I didn't want to go back. Scott said in that case I should talk to Dr. Diorio again and give it another try. He said he didn't understand why I was willing to chase all over the US looking for a miracle cure. What? Did I ever say that? No. I'm going to Duke to get a second opinion from a very qualified doctor, and I was looking in the chamber because my father in law has been on my case to try it and I know it would not hurt.

I can see Scott's point. One treatment would be expensive and I would lose a day's work, not to mention the gas it would take to get there and back. Acupuncture is essentially free, except for my time and it is close. I should give it more of a chance. I felt hurt that he would think I am looking for a special pill that would make me all better.

I am just tired too. My weight keeps popping up and down by 3 pounds and I'm frustrated. I'm working out every single day doing something, and I feel like I'm killing myself and nothing is happening either with my weight or my ankle. People ask about my ankle all the time and all I can say is it's no worse than it was. No worse than what? It still hurts, although not as bad as before surgery. The ugly brace is helping some but it's still ugly and I walk like a monkey when I get tired.

I still love my new bike, and I love the freedome it gives me to be outside and moving. I'm just not loving life right now.

Catching up

2008-08-01T08:27:00.001-07:00

I am turning into a gym rat. My anti-depressant must be working. It certainly is giving me a few heart palpitations throughout the day, which was alarming at first but now I just stop and let them pass. I am at the gym almost every day doing something.

I have started going to Body Pump class 3 days a week. It's hard, and I start the class thinking no way will I get through it, but somehow I do and I feel good afterward. On Tuesday and Thursday I am warming up on the stationary bike for at least 1/2 hour. Last night I had extra time so I went for almost 50 minutes. That was a mistake because it was very humid in the gym and I was trashed and felt awful the rest of the night. I was in bed and asleep by 10:30.

I am still trying to swim at least twice a week. Monday I was in the outdoor pool and I stopped to get a drink. A girl came over and asked if she could give me a swimming tip. Oh man am I that bad? I said sure I'll take any advice I can get. She said I needed to get my left shoulder more out of the water when I stroke. She used to not pull her shoulder out also, and she was really very nice so I was not offended, but I was self conscious that she had been watching me flounder through the water.

After she left I really tried to twist my hips and pull my arm up. It was hard at first but then I got a rhythm down and I did feel like I was moving faster. There are so many things to keep track of at the same time I still forget to kick at times.

Wednesday I swam with Sarah. My arms were tired from lifting and she kicked my butt as usual. She always stops and waits for me at the end of each length. Another swimmer was finishing up and she swore that 1/2 mile in the 25 yard pool was 20 laps not the 18 we thought. I have tried to look it up on the internet, but you know what? Screw it. I'll do what I can do.

Most importantly is I got a new bike! It's a Trek 2.1
http://www.trekbikes.com/us/en/bikes/2008/road/2_series/21/

Scott and I were at Hobby Lobby having the girl's graduation pictures framed - OMG that is expensive, and the Trek store is next door. He wanted to go over and return a travel pump that is not working for his bike. Trek was having a huge sale so we started looking. Unfortunately I was wearing a short jumper, which made it interesting to get fitted. The sales guy was funny and would shut his eyes when I tried to get on. The 54cm frame was perfect for me but there were no women's in stock. We looked at the entry level model but Scott didn't like the way it shifted. The sales guy said the next step up was quantum leaps better. We looked at the men's bike and it was soooo pretty and they had one in stock. I was concerned that it was too much bike for me but the guy said that was not possible.

Before I knew it he was offering to put a woman's saddle on it for me and add a bottle holder and I was trying on bike shorts! He put the bike up and I sat on it so he could get my saddle and handle bars in the right position. I get lifetime repairs and adjustments and he said to take advantage of that. He wants me to come back in a couple of weeks so he can "look at my bad habits and fix them for me." He and Scott were talking all these gear ratios and I just sat there saying, "Well it's a nice blue." We all agreed that I didn't need to do the shoe/clip thing right away since I had so much to learn. The pedals have cages so I am using them for now until I get more comfortable.

I couldn't wait to try it so we went home and I put on my new bike shorts. Where is my helmet? I swore I had one. I know I had one. But it's missing and Scott won't let me out without one, so I run up and grab Sarah's. We get out in the driveway and I try to start off and the first thing I do is get my shorts caught on the saddle and damn near fall over. I was squealing and Scott was laughing. He decided I needed to start in the road where it was flat.

The bike is so much lighter than my old one that just leaning over a little bit moves it around. I was pretty shaky at first, but I got a little better. Scott got on his bike and went around the neighborhood so he could show me how to shift.

Sunday we went back to the Trek store and bought me a helment. I made sure it matched my bike. :) of course. Scott was going to give me his old helmet and buy a new yellow one but yellow helmets are hard to find unless you are Lance Armstrong. We went out again by the river and took Sarah. She hadn't ridden in a while either so she had to re-learn how to clip in again. Between her clipping and me steering all over the place we were a sight. I do feel more comfortable now but I haven't gone out on my own yet. Maybe today.

As for my ankle it still hurts but no worse than it has and sometimes it even feels a little better, but it is still swollen. I am glad I have the Duke appointment set up. I'm just trying to stay busy and lose the damn weight that has come back on. I lost 2 whole pounds and I have been stuck at that for 2 weeks. I refuse to starve myself.

Scott's Tri

2008-07-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

Scott participated in his first triathlon Sunday at Antrim Lake. It was a sprint tri, the smallest one, but still a big deal. He had to swim .75k, bike 15 miles, then run a 5k. He trained very hard for this and felt ready except for the open water swim. He had only one opportunity to practice and he said that one time seemed really hard. However, he did not seem that nervous about getting through it. I was nervous enough for the both of us.

Sunday morning we all got up at 4:30 and it was already 74 degrees and humid. We arrived by 5:30 and Scott got his bike and gear set up in the transition area. We had gone over the day before to found his spot and look around so he felt comfortable about where he needed to go. After he got marked we did a lot of standing around, and Scott made several trips to the porta potty.

Then it was time to line up for the swim. It was a staggered start, every 5 seconds and Scott was number 219 so he had a little bit to wait. Sarah and I went to the dock to see if we could watch him get in, but it seemed like all the men were wearing the same thing, so I never did see him start. Cher found us, then Teresa showed up. It was so nice of them to come support Scott. We also found that another friend Mary was doing her first tri so I tried to look for her also.

With 5 minutes of the start we saw a swimmer being towed back in to the start. He must have cramped because he could not walk out of the water, but sat down at the edge. Poor guy, all that work and his race was already over. We all felt bad for him, and it made me even more nervous for Scott.

Sarah and I moved to another spot to attempt to see Scott exit the water. While we were waiting a largish woman came out of the water with her left breast completely hanging out of her suit. People were yelling and she must have thought they were cheering for her because she started waving and smiling. Someone must have gotten her attention because she suddenly stopped and popped it back in.

Convinced that I had seen Scott exit the water I told Sarah we needed to head to the transition area. Just as we got to the barrier, the announcer called out, "Here comes 219, Scott Whipps exiting the swim!" Sarah screamed, "Daddy!" and he turned around and saw us. I asked if he was okay and he said, "It was hard!" but he was smiling and running up the hill so I felt better.

Teresa, Sarah and I went to the transition area, thinking he would already be gone, but I saw him sitting on the ground putting his shoes on. He seemed to be taking his time. His training book said not to rush so I guess he was taking it at its word. Finally he got his bike and headed out. I yelled out, "Good luck, I love you!" and the worker in the area said, "Hey, there's not time for that!"

We went to the road to see him come by. Sprint tri's had to do 3 loops of the course. The first time he came by I was so excited I forgot to get a picture, so I was ready the next time. Scott had been concerned he would forget his laps, so I told him when he didn't see me it was time to turn in the park. I'm not sure if he remember that, but he was fine.

We moved down the hill to see him for the run. We knew if he could make it through the bike portion without a breakdown he was home. Soon there he was running down the hill, still smiling, headed for the loop around the lake.

There was an aid station set up so the runners passed it twice. We stood by it so we got to see him pass at about Mile 1, then Mile 2. He looked tired at Mile 2 and stopped briefly to get some water to dump on his head, but he was still running. We rush over to the fence to see him come through the finish. He gave me a big sweaty kiss.

He said that the swim was harder than he ever thought and he was not sure he would make it. His goggles fogged up and he couldn't see so he had to swim to the shore and clear them. He had a hard time with his breathing and at one point floated on his back to rest and started swimming the wrong way. He was only in the water for 25 minutes but he said it felt like an hour. The bike, he said, was fun and felt easy, and the run was fine. He passed a lot of people on both legs. He didn't even seem all that tired.

I was so stoked up on caffeine (I drank about 8 cups while I was watching for him) that when we got home I could not sit still, so I decided to go to the gym and swim. Scott took a shower and went with me. His numbers would not wash off so while we were outside people kept asking him what the markings on his arm were for. Of course he had to tell them all about it. I swam my laps and when I finished I found him at the hot tub regaling a woman with his adventures. We met another guy in the pool that got so excited when he heard about it, that he got on his blackberry and ordered the same tri book Scott had used to train. Then we both fell asleep, and I burned my back.

Our friend Steve wants Scott to do another larger tri in August. He promised Scott that he could touch bottom in the water so even though the distance was longer it would be easier. I'm not sure if Scott is going but he seems to be hooked.

I am so proud of him. Sarah is even thinking that maybe she will try it one day. He is my inspiration.

my first mile

2008-07-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

I swam my first mile last week.
It was in the small pool, and I know that made it easier, but still it was a mile.
I was swimming by myself so I didn't have anyone to share it with but that's okay. I know I did it.

New swimming buddy

2008-06-27T07:01:00.000-07:00

Sarah has decided she really wants to get in shape before she heads to college - smart girl - so she decided to start coming to the gym with me when I swim. At first she was water running but that is so boring she decided to swim. It didn't go so well at first. She couldn't breathe and it felt really hard so she would use the kick board. After a few days of that she tried swimming again and surprise! she is good. She is actually faster than me, which isn't saying a whole lot. Scott says she turns way up on her side when she breathes so she moves faster, and hey, she is a lot younger than me.

So we are having a great time swimming laps together. The first time she made 1/2 a mile she was so pleased with herself. Now we are added a few laps each time so hopefully one day we will make a mile. I love being able to share this with her and also not having to worry about sharing a lane with a stranger. We like to go outside because it is so nice and of course the pool is smaller so our breaks come sooner.

My swimming has really improved over last summer. I feel like I am getting the technique down most of the time and I don't feel like I am swimming in one place. We are trying to hit the pool at least twice a week, and I am working on doing Body Pump with a 30 minute bike warm up twice a week also. Right now I feel like crap but I've done it before, so I know I can work through this.

I'm also on an anti depressant. It seems to be helping but I'm not sleeping well at night, and that's a big problem. I see my doctor today for acupuncture so we'll discuss options then. I may fall asleep.

What a week!

2008-06-16T07:09:00.000-07:00

What a strange week it was! My boss decided that we just had to get a mailing to everyone in the world would know about our little webinar coming up this Thursday. I can do that - a couple of hundred letters is doable. But no. He decides to expand the mailing to the tune of 1,450 letters plus inserts to be printed folded, stuffed and stamped by the end of week. I tried to talk him out of it, but he would not be swayed.

Luckily my oldest daughter is still unemployed so I brought her in and put her to work. And boy did she. She put in about 30 hours last week. We even took work home and stuffed while we watched TV. Of course by Thursday boss realized what he had done and said if it didn't get out that was okay but by then we were pissed and I told him it would go out no matter what. And on Friday at 5:59 - one minute before they closed -in the pouring rain I carried the last box of letters into the post office.

And of course both printers ran out of ink, and my postage machine ran out of ink so boss and I had to drive over to the post office and buy 300 stamps. I was in one line and he was in another seeing who would get finished first. We kept yelling back and forth at each other to see how far each was moving up. It was almost fun.

We went home and celebrated with margaritas and pizza. Big mistake, because I felt like crap the next day but I drug my ass out of bed and made it a 10:30 weight class. I am so frustrated with my weight. it just won't budge and it won't until I am willing to make changes in my diet. I have decided to get on some kind of anti depressant so I will stop stress eating.

During all this I had to go get fitted with my new brace. Adele calls it big foot because when I take it off it can almost stand on its own. I was at the orthopedic place for 3 hours trying to get it to fit properly. It was really hurting on the outside of my knee and David said he hadn't counted on my muscle being so developed. It pops out when I step and hits the hinge piece. I was secretly pleased that I still had a muscle to pop. The bad news was that he was afraid he would have to recast me and start over. This sucker costs $1,600. He did finally get it comfortable enough to wear out. I can't say I love it. It's hard to get it comfortable on my knee and it's hot and I have to wear this huge white sock with it. I am supposed to increase my wear time by an hour a day but yesterday I could only add 1/2 hour. I go back on Friday for another fitting.

The whole point of the brace is to take the pressure off my ankle but my ankle ends up dangling a little bit and that hurts also. I tried driving to work in it but it was scary so I don't think I can do that very often.

But I did call Duke University and I have an appoint on September 22 with the head orthopedic guy there. He actually studies AVN so I don't mind waiting for the appointment. What's the worst that can happen I will heal and not need to go down? Both my brother and my father have volunteered to take me.

Also during last week Sarah was getting ready to go to OWU for her scheduling. I was unable to say good-bye to her because I was stuck in my ortho appt. but she sucked it up and went on up with her sister driving her. And good news - Sarah made the choir! She had to actually try out just to get in the class. I am so happy for her. Things already seem to be better for her now that she is out of high school.

I am hoping for a less eventful week.

Time Out

2008-06-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

I gave myself a big time out over the weekend. It was not intentional but after the long day Friday I drank a glass of wine, took a percocet and went to bed. Come Saturday morning I could not get out of bed. I was not hung over or anything, I just could not face getting out of bed and putting my brace on. I kept falling asleep until it was way past noon. Then it was past 2, then 3.

I was having these really weird dreams too. Very vivid, but I can't remember what they were about.

My family would come in and out of the room but I couldn't string two words together to answer them. About 6:00 Scott came in and all I could say was, "Cancel dinner."

Sunday morning I woke up and thought about how I had to get out of bed. Again it wasn't going to happen. I think I got up once to get some cereal and went back to bed. By now Scott was pissed and kept trying to think of things to get me out of bed. He said he was trying to cheer me up. I didn't ask him too.

I knew I had to get up and go to work today. That was no problem. I talked to my brother about it and he did not see any problem with me taking a weekend for myself. Yes my family was pissed that I was not there for them, and the girls said if they had tried anything like that I would have made them get up but I said if they had gone through what I have been, I would have understood. Staying up until 2 in the morning to watch TV is no reason to stay in bed. Feeling totally bad about my sucky situation is.

Results day

2008-06-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

OMG I am getting so sick of writing about this! I can't believe people still ask me about it. Aren't they as sick of hearing about it as I am of dealing with it? Okay, rant over.

So today was results day. I tried very hard not to obsess over it all week. I gave it all up to God and decided that is where my strength will come from no matter what the MRI would say. I repeated the words, "God is my strength" all the way to the office this morning. It at least got me in the door, but by the time I got into the exam room I was still shaking.

Dr. Philbin gives nothing away when he comes in. He sat in a chair across the room and I sat in another one with my shoes off. He got right to the point. My new MRI is showing no improvement in the AVN. He can see where he drilled, which is normal, and the bone still looks good, but the white spot on the x-ray was the AVN and it and the edema do not seem to have improved. It's not any worse but not any better. So here come the tears.

He remembered that I was asking about different procedures including doing a vascular graft and he said that he was not willing to do it, but his wife worked for a hand surgeon and I was more than welcome to call him and see what he could do. I was welcome to go get a second opinion, it would not hurt his feelings. The upshot was that he is not willing to do anything else surgically to my ankle except an ankle fusion and we all know how I feel about that. I said, "But I'm not any where near that point am I?" and he said well if the pain got to be too much or the bone collapsed he would do one. Like that was not out of the realm of possibility.

I tried to ask him about an ankle distraction but he said I had to show him documentation that it had worked before he would even consider it. It was like a debate. He said, "Tell me how that would help you." I started to explain and he all but cut me off, saying there was not enough proof that worked. He said it's only been 3 months, even though he knows I am thinking, "It's been 3 freaking months!" Different perspectives.

I focused on discussing the pain management then. I said it was hurting like before the surgery and it was very upsetting. He suggested I get fitted for a custom brace that would take the load off my ankle and put it right below my knee. I balked at that for a while, then decided I had nothing to lose. It sounded big and ugly but how much uglier can it be?

End of discussion, end of appointment. He got up and said good-bye. I sat there for a minute, then a nuse came in and said they were trying to get things together for me and to come on outside. I was sitting at the check out desk when I heard Dr. Philbin on the phone with someone discussing me and my need for a brace. Then someone else came over and handed me a brochure with directions and said to go over if I wanted. I asked the check out clerk for my MRI's. She ran around and got them for me. I felt a little diva-like but hey I had their attention, why not get what I needed? The clerk handed me the MRI's and said I should return them when I come back as they were the originals. I have to figure out how to make copies of them.

Dr. Philbin was standing in the hall so I jumped up and told him my handicap sticker was expiring and was that okay? He said he thought I needed it longer and had a nurse write me one for another 3 months. Lovely.

I got in the car and looked at the time and realized if I went to the orthopedic place I would be late for work. I called Duff to tell him and as soon as he got on the phone I started sobbing. I'm driving down 270 in the middle of rush hour traffic crying so hard he can't understand me. He of course told me to take as much time as I needed.

The orthopedic place is a specialty brace fitter, plus they do prosthetics. I was walking down the hall and I passed a guy carrying a leg with a shoe attached. Not something I see every day.

David the orthopedic guy walked in just as I did. Dr. Philbin had called him and asked him to come in and specially fit me. He was very nice, but I was very embarrassed because he had to cast my leg up past my knee and I was wearing a skirt and trying not to give away the fact that I don't get a bikini wax. It was a fiber glass cast and as it dried it got really snug and warm. David said that when they fit it, the brace would take almost 70% of the load off my ankle and it should help the pain a lot. I get it next Friday. It will take an hour to fit. Of course I will have to wear my trusty tie up shoes with it. I better wear some shorts over there.

I got a call later saying that my insurance will pay for 90% of the brace and my part of it will be $95. So this sucker costs $950. It is clear plastic but very hard. I'm sure people will know I have it on. And I have wear knee socks with it all the time so it won't rub, and so my leg can breathe some. Otherwise the cast will start to stink.

So now it's decision time. I have an appointment with my primary doctor next week to discuss my options. In the meantime I am researching doctors with experience in talus AVN. My brother found 3 docs at Duke and I found 2 at The Cleveland Clinic. Cher gave me the email address of a doctor at OSU that I wrote to for advice. I can't just sit around and wait for my bone to die.

My girls just came over to see me. What sweeties. Adele and her boyfriend are going to make dinner. I am just barely functioning now. I am so tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of caring, I'm tired of making decisions.

MRI Day and the Weekend

2008-06-02T07:11:00.001-07:00

The Weekend went very well. The thunderstorms came through early Saturday morning and it was nice all day Saturday for the party even if it was a little windy. Cher and Milt came over and said it had rained at The Memorial. There really is some kind of curse on that tournament.

We had a nice crowd for the party and my dad and Marilene worked really hard to make sure everything looked nice. Hopefully the girls will put pictures up on Facebook. Mrs. Goodman's Bakery came through again and the cakes were beautiful as well as the best cake I have ever had. It is completely worth the money. I wouldn't do it for every occasion but for times like this I don't mind spending more.

Adele and I were out having balloons filled for the party and I noticed a half off sale at Footlocker right next door. We ran in and I found a nice white pair of K-Swiss shoes that will fit my brace for only $30! We were in such a rush I went ahead and bought a package of socks to wear with them. I was so happy I wore them out of the store and I have worn them all weekend. It's a small thing but I feel a lot less obvious wearing white shoes with my summer clothes.

Yesterday was graduation and again it was so much easier than when Adele graduated. I did not hit any huge traffic jams, we were able to park fairly close and we were home by 4:30. The ceremony was really nice. Sarah was so excited. Of course I needed to go to the bathroom during the calling of the names but I sat through it all - over 400 names and waited until we got home. We went to PF Chang's for dinner. I don't think we have been there since Adele graduated but it is so good! I definitely need to start back on a healthy eating plan now that all the excitement is over.

Today was my MRI. Again I forgot to pee, and just as I thought of it they called my name, so I had to sit for 45 minutes and try not to squirm. It was a pleasant exerience for an MRI. I listened to the radio and read a magazine. I see Dr. Philbin on Friday for the results.

I had my last PT last Friday for now. The trainers were sorry to hear I was not going to be back for a while. I think I am comic relief for them. Plus I have been there so long we are almost friends.

Now I have a week to get my list of questions and suggestions together. I really need to rest my foot too but we have been so busy it has been hard. At this point I don't think it is going to help much.

End of an era

2008-05-29T06:18:00.000-07:00

In three days my youngest daughter will graduate from Upper Arlington High School. After 14 years of being in the school system we are finished. It felt strange to be sitting in the school auditorium last night knowing it would be the last time I would have a child performing on stage. And, by the way, Sarah rocked her solo. I don't think I breathed the whole time she sang, but she was great and we are very proud of her. I could never get up in front of so many people by myself and do that. I used to get so nervous dancing with my ballet class during recitals.

I saw my surgeon yesterday. I am still having pain in my ankle and I am very concerned about whether it is healing properly. He gave me the speech about how the surgery was not a slam dunk and neither was any other surgery to fix this. Then he ordered an MRI for Monday. I get my results back next Friday. He looked at my x-rays and said he could see where he had drilled into my bone. I think I asked him if that was a bad thing but I didn't get much of an answer. This is why I need Scott with me. I freak out too much and I don't remember a damn thing once I'm out of the office.

I am to let pain be my guide. Flip flops are bad, tie up shoes are good. Running is bad, stationary bike is good, swimming is best. Stay out of the boot, but be careful about how I stress my ankle lifting weights. Live my life as best I can, and try not to be too discouraged.

Memorial Day I biked over and watched Scott, Michelle and Teresa run the 5 miler. I was happy to cheer for them. Michelle won first place in her age group and she was so happy because that day was exactly 90 days from her surgery and her surgeon also happened to be at the race watching. I'm afraid I was not very gracious about it. It's not like I know I could win my age group or anything I just want to be healed like her. Her surgery was so serious and yet she is pretty much healed. My surgery was less than an hour and I feel like I have hardly made any progress. Everyone keeps telling me how well I am handling this. I hate to disappoint them but no I'm not. I'm angry, upset, depressed and in general a bitter old lady. Throw in a couple dozen cats and an old cardigan and I'll be set.

But I have better things to think about right now. We have a graduation party to throw on Saturday in spite of the thunder storms that are supposed to be coming. My baby girl graduates on Sunday and in less than 3 months she will be moved out and at college. I can't think that far ahead yet.

Payback

2008-05-21T06:50:00.000-07:00

Today was PT day. I knew I was going to get scolded and I did. It was stupid of me to do all that lifting in the basement without putting my boot back on. By last night after weight class my ankle was hurting enough that I was scared I had really screwed it up this time. Scott assured me it would be okay, but between that and class kicking my ass I was nauseated and just wanted to go home. I made myself eggs and toast and felt better.

Last night in class the girl who has torn her meniscus was sitting on her bench while the others were doing squats. We were doing leg lifts and waving to each other. I felt a little less left out.

So I had to confess today that my ankle hurt, and I got the "you are doing too much" speech, but I still did all my exercises. I took the time to ice and that felt better.

While I am doing my exercises I watch what other people are doing. There was another woman about my age bouncing around doing all kinds of stuff. I asked her about her goal marathon. She asked me if I had been cleared to run yet. I almost laughed. I said I was waiting to hear if I could run again. No response to that one.

Joe came and sat down next to me and asked what was happening. I told him I was coming up on my year anniversary of not running. I told Caroline when I finally get released I was bringing doughnuts in to celebrate. We were coming up with ways to decorate my brace. Caroline suggested using a Bedazzler.

I feel so disjointed. Trying to work in PT with the party and everything else is overwhelming me. Add waiting for my next doc appt. and I beginning to forget my own name.

Mold

2008-05-19T06:51:00.000-07:00

We have a yucky basement.
It's full of combined 24 years of crap and accumulated memories.
I tried to pick up a box and it was stuck to floor and full of mold. We must had some water damage some time back. I got mold on my clothes and my leg. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I found 3 other boxes like that. Now the basement smells.
We worked all day yesterday on sorting and throwing away. Tempers flared. My ankle is sore.
Sarah's party is in 12 days. My dad is coming in 9 days. Crap, crap, crap.
No gym. No Body Pump.
I think I'm getting a cold.
At least Adele made dinner last night. I got a hot shower and a cold beer.
Somehow it always gets done. But I hate it. I hate my ankle is hurting. I did too much lifting and going up and down the stairs. I keep forgetting I can't do this stuff.
Damn it.

Back in the Swim

2008-05-16T07:53:00.000-07:00

Last night was swimming for the first time in over a week. I swam the whole half mile with no floatie! I was very proud even though I was totally cooked at the end. It took almost 45 minutes. Scott said I was not kicking hard enough. That's true. I am scared to kick too hard. That will just have to come back on its own.

My ankle is super sore today. I don't know if it's the rain, increasing my activity level or what, but I am definitely limping. Review of the week:
Monday - PT with non weight bearing and work in the brace
Tuesday - Body Pump with boot
Wednesday - PT - Same as Monday with more reps
Thursday - Swimming - 1/2 mile no floatie

I guess today needs to be a rest day. I hate this because my weight sucks and I feel crappy but I can't make my ankle do more than it's ready for.

Guess I'll be forced to go shoe shopping today. I need a pair of white Sketchers to get me through the summer. Wearing black shoes with summer clothes is not working for me. The brace will just have to be more visible. Adele was teasing me about the black socks with my skirt. She's right, it looks silly. Sketchers seem to fit my brace better than any of the other athletic shoes out there. This makes my third pair. Lovely.

My job

2008-05-15T07:48:00.000-07:00

I love my job. Well, I love the man I work for because he is the nicest person ever and practically my substitute dad and I would do just about anything for him. He consults for the trucking industry and I run the office and keep our consultants happy and in line.

What I don't love is the fact that I don't have anyone else to share the load with. I get slammed with projects and suggestions that I need to take an accounting class and I get overwhelmed and my desk gets buried. I find myself writing notes on the backs of envelopes and then losing them. I hate being so disorganized! I am supposed to be finding an assistant, but I'm not sure what I would give them to do. Yes, I have an issue with someone coming in to my territory.

Yesterday boss wrote me to get out a mailing to 362 people. I had nothing printed or prepared. First thing I did was call my girls and tell them they were hired for the day, whether they wanted to be or not. They came in and we knocked the whole thing out in about 4 hours. They were a great team and I was very proud of them for stepping in when I needed them. Of course they are getting paid and since they are not gainfully employed at this moment, money is a good incentive.

My girls are ying and yang. One is outgoing and not very academically minded, and the other one is very introverted and gets really good grades. They could pass for twins, but that is as far as the similarities go. I try very hard not to compare them to each other. My parents were always doing that to me with my older brother. I hated it.

Another thing about working in a small office is we tend to use other small businesses and I become friends with them. We had to let our web designer go on Monday and it was heartbreaking. Boss handled the meeting. I told her we should all do lunch if she was in the neighborhood and of course she said yes, but she will never do it. Why would she?

My PT is going well. Yesterday the trainers had me do more reps of everything. My ankle was sore but not painful. I need to be more diligent about icing. I also have to start going in at 7:30 because I am constantly late for work. I need to start getting to the gym more but I am wasted this week. I don't know what it is, but last night I sat in my chair and did not move except to get up and have the take out chinese my daughter drove and picked up. I think the upcoming grad party, work, and cleaning out 20 years of crap from the basement are doing me in.

Spring

2008-05-10T13:13:00.000-07:00

Spring is finally here and so is the allergy season. The paper says it is one of the worst years ever. Boy is that true. We are all popping Claritin like Life Savers around here.

Today I was in the bathroom and Win came in to check on me, just to make sure I wasn't eating anything, and I looked down and saw a flea crawling across her nose. I managed to grab it and kill it, so it must also be flea season too. I checked for flea stuff and of course we are out, so I had to jump on the computer and order her Advantix. I get so lazy that it's easier to order it online and have it delivered than to find the time to get to the vet and pick it up. I hope she doesn't get too many before it arrives. She needs a trim also. I think the last time was right before my surgery so she is due. I like to get it all over with for a couple of months.

My grand plan of "stop the madness" almost didn't happen today. I did make a fairly nutritious dinner last night (except for the huge loaf of sour dough bread), and I skipped dessert (except for the 2 mini Snicker's bars). I made a big deal about telling everyone that I was getting up early and going to the 8:15 body pump class so I had to go to bed. My alarm went off at 7:00 this morning and I rolled over and put it out of its misery. My head felt like it was in a vice. I argued with myself for a while, then rolled over and went back to sleep. I finally rolled out of bed at 9:00, and that was only because Scott made my coffee. I checked the schedule and there was another class at 10:35. Stupid me forgot that they give out the cards to get in 1/2 hour before class not an hour like they used to, so I threw my clothes on and drove over to find I had an hour to kill. Crap!

With nothing better to do I decided to try to ride the bike. It was fine. I kept it at level 3, didn't push and I rode for 20 minutes. I was not even sweating. More importantly, it didn't hurt. It was a little tired when I got off, but I hope this means I can warm up on the bike at PT from now on.

I decided to put my boot back on for class since I had not cleared doing anything like that with the trainers, and I didn't want to do too many new things in one day. Everyone has been pushing me to be cautious so I am trying. I'm glad I did use the boot because Barb was tough today. So, for the first time in 10 weeks I rode the bike before class. More progress! I am feeling really good about this.

Sarah just called and reminded me that I haven't iced yet, so I better do that. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, so I'll let them take care of me all day. I swear I'm not doing a thing.

Stop the madness!

2008-05-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

Remember that crazy woman from the 90's? She hated butter and pretty much everything else. I used to cook with butter buds, this powdered stuff because it had no calories. I think I even have one of her cookbooks.

Today I got on the scale. No boot, no eating, just me and the scale mano a mano. I did not like what I saw. At all. I've been playing the injured card for how many months now? I've been eating pretty much whatever I felt like, whenever I felt like it. And now it's time to pay up.

I put on an older bra today. It used to be a little big. Now it fits fine. My boobs look like pre-surgery! They may be a little higher but I have definitely put on weight there.

This madness has to stop. Today. I am going to get up tomorrow and either swim or do Body Pump no matter what. If I don't start moving soon, I'm going to grow roots and be stuck to my chair.

On the brighter side, moving Adele was not as traumatic as I feared. It took us about 2 1/2 hours in the pouring rain, but we got everything in two cars - thank goodness I did show up or Adele would have been riding home tied to the top of the van. Now our den looks like Sanford and Son's living room. Time to call in the trash haulers.

Pain

2008-05-08T08:17:00.001-07:00

How can adding 2 little iddy biddy weights cause so much pain? I feel like I have been punched in both shoulders and my chest is in agony. What in the happy hell was I thinking? The really sad thing is I don't even do the lunge and squat part of the class and I still feel awful. Scott said his arms were spasming on the golf course last night. He is certified stupid also.

Now that I am trotting around in my brace my leg is sore also. All the way up. My PT's tell me this is normal and fine and I like that I am working the leg again but I'm so tired! I could hardly drag my sorry butt out of bed again this morning. Just knowing what we had to do today was enough to make me want to call in sick. Except there is no one at the office to call in to so I might as well go in and make some money.

We move Adele home today. It's pouring rain and we have to get her futon and mini fridge down 2 flights of stairs into the van. It can't be worst than last year. I had to go alone and her dorm room was a disaster. It took us hours to find all of her crap and get it packed and loaded. The one good thing last year was that she was on the first floor. At least Scott will be here to help this time so it should go faster. Oh wah for me.

I got an email this morning from Duff telling me he wants to put my bio and picture on the web site. Why? One of the guys said it would nice to have a face with a name. No thank you. I detest having my picture taken. I either look like I'm about to be sick or someone is about to hit me. And what kind of bio would I put up? "Lisa is in charge of purchasing toilet paper for the bathroom and making sure Duff knows where his next appointment is. Her specialties include planning the office Christmas lunch and the annual Trincon BBQ." I wrote him back and asked him if I really had to do this. No response so far. I so much prefer remaining anonymous.

I need a nap. Or more caffeine. Or both.

Ouch!

2008-05-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

There's a new "vampire" at the doctor's office. Nice girl and very efficient but she is a jabber! I thought last time it might have been an accident but she did the same thing today. I can only hope I can wait longer to have my blood checked next time. I'm no wimp but damn it, don't come at like I'm a junkie looking for a fix. I've got a knot where she got me. And I have great veins so it's not like she couldn't find it.

Today went so well at PT. I brought the brace in and after we did my non-weight bearing exercises Lori had me put my brace and shoe on and stand on it. It was a very strange feeling knowing I was touching the ground with both feet.

I wasn't sure what I would do, but they had me move my weight from side to side 10 times, then I marched in place - slowly -10 times. Then it was time to walk. I was scared it would hurt, but other than a little feeling of vertigo it felt fine. I did one other exercise then we walked again and that was it. I'm walking! I got a little teary eyed when I left.

I wore the brace for one hour (okay maybe I stretched it a little bit) at work, then switched back to my boot. Tomorrow I can wear the brace 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon, then 3 the next day and so on as long as there is not too much pain. I asked how would I know how much pain is too much and Joe said if I felt like I needed tylenol or it really bothered me I should take a step back. Lori kept saying how strong my ankle felt and how quickly she thought it would come back to me. Even just walking around the office I could tell a difference. The problem is I want to limp and protect my ankle so I have to be very aware of my movements. I look like I'm stoned actually, or an extra from Night of the Living Dead.

I did get one lecture on using too much weight when I do the cling and press in Body Pump. I increased my weights in that last night and that might not have been the smartest idea I ever had. Point taken. I will be careful from now on.

The hard part now will be reigning myself in so I don't do too much. No sense in blowing it all by doing something stupid.

Adele comes home tomorrow. Yeah! I love it when we are all together in spite of the arguing over the bathroom and car.

This is the week!

2008-05-05T06:58:00.001-07:00

I know I've had this damn boot on too long when we went swimming Friday night and I almost went into the water with it still on. I put my foot on the ledge without thinking and was just about to lower myself in. Hello? Scott just stood there. I guess he would have stopped me.

Once I warmed up I was able to do more laps without the buoy. I even did the last 12 lengths actually swimming! I know I still look like a dying fish, but I feel like I am getting faster. Scott is much faster than me so once he finished he went ahead and changed while I finished, then he came back out and got me out of the pool.

The big news is this is the week I transition back into the brace. I had PT this morning and Joe told me to bring it in with me on Wednesday and I would walk out with it on. Woo Hoo! I may only wear it an hour or so but it is a step in the right direction!

I saw a girl at PT that had been there with me in January. She had an incident with her dog and a raccoon that threw her pelvis out of whack so she is back also. Too funny in a sick sort of way. We talked about the running/non running thing and how if I can't run how many other things are out there to do. True, but I still don't want to think about it.

It took forever today. They were really busy so I sat with the warm up for almost 20 minutes then after my exercises I had to ice so I was there almost 1 1/2 hours. Good thing no one else is in the office today.

Saturday we tried a new (for us) restaurant called Marcella's. It's a Cameron Mitchell restaurant so I knew it would be good. I forgot that it was Gallery Hop night though so it was packed and VERY loud. We were next to a big group of girls out for a bachelorette party so conversation was difficult. I had gnocchi and it was so good I didn't want to share. Then I got free desert so of course I ordered this huge triple cream puff thing with gelatto. I could eat that for a meal by itself. I need to be through with restaurants for a while.

Bittersweet

2008-05-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful day today. I've taken the day off work, and I tried to sleep in but I'm too used to getting up at my regular time.

Yesterday at PT I decided that I was strong enough to handle driving. I went home and made sure the car started. I figured if it did it was a sign from God that it was okay. I called my friend Michelle, who had been through starting to drive again also, and she encourage me to try a "test drive" around the neighborhood to see how it felt. I used my brace and shoe and it was fine.

My foot is sore today but I think that's because Keri torked it so much doing my range of motion yesterday. I'm not going to obsess over it. I woke up this morning and didn't even have to stress about anything.

Breakfast was very nice. It was a little hard to use the crutches and get my purse and paper into the restaurant. First I knocked a crutch over getting out of the car. Then I got out of the car, crutched 4 steps and dropped my paper out of my purse, so I had to set the purse down, gather the paper, then pick up the purse with one hand, all while standing on one leg and get the purse back on my shoulder and hang on to the paper. I turned around and there was an elderly couple sitting in their mini van at a handicap space watching me intently as if they were about to come help me. They waited until I went by before they pulled out of the parking spot. I had to laugh.

It was very nice to sit quietly and drink coffee and read the newspaper. I thought about calling someone to come with me, but I thought it might be nice to have some time alone today.

As I drove home along the back roads (like I promised everyone I would do so I would have less chance of having to panic stop) I admired how beautiful the trees and flowers looked today. As I got closer to home I drove by all the little side roads I ran last year training for Flying Pig, which is this weekend. I felt that old familiar yearning to be out moving. It's a real, physical pain my body feels when I can't run. I feel like a caged animal at times, or like a horse with a broken leg who will never race again. No wonder they put them to sleep.

Okay that's being dramatic but it still hurts. I am so happy to be able to go out on my own, even a limited amount. But I want more. I want to fast forward time.

Decisions, decisions

2008-04-30T07:56:00.000-07:00

So Thursday is my birthday. What better gift to give myself than the gift of driving? Problem is I'm not officially cleared to drive. The debate has raged on for a week now. The final decision is completely up to me. To drive to First Watch or not? That is the question.

I wrote my AVN group for support and surprisingly I got 2 responses, both saying going out for pancakes is not worth the risk. If I got in an accident and it was discovered that I was driving before my doctor said I could it could mean big trouble. Way to put a damper on things!

Scott has recommended I put my brace and shoe on to drive, then just use my crutches to get into the restaurant. I thought that was fair. I am going to start the car today just to make sure it can, since it has been sitting in the garage for 2 weeks all alone, then see how I feel about it. My stubborn streak is really kicking in.

PT is going well. I went on Monday and I go again today. Monday I had the kinder, gentler Jean instead of Sgt. Joe. She even held my band for me so I would not have to crawl off the table and sit on the floor. She also gave me the driving warning. I am pretty much alone in this decision.

Last night at body pump I was late getting in and all these people jumped up and helped me get my stuff in spite of the fact that Scott was right there. It was very sweet. A few of them even helped me put my weights away also. I love that class. I always leave feeling like I have accomplished something.

I'm swimming also for real. We went to the pool Saturday and I was using the pull buoy when I realized that Dr. Philbin said I could swim. It was tiring at first, but if I swam 4 lengths then used the buoy for 4 lengths then I could get through it. At the end I swam 8 lengths in a row and almost drowned trying to get back. I went home and took a big nap.

Saturday night I was in the backyard following Winnie around who had eaten too much steak and was getting sick. My back neighbors were playing music so loud I could hear every word. Maybe I was just tired, or maybe I was just tired of hearing their kids scream every day but I went in and called the police. I was on the phone with a dispatcher. She was not very sympathetic until I opened the door and she could hear the music over the phone. After that she put a call out and I could see a car pull in front of their house within 2 minutes. The music went off very soon after that, and the cops stayed for almost 15 minutes. I hope they didn't say who called on them.

Sunday I got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the kitchen floor. It was very satisfying but my ankle was sore the rest of the day. Guess I'm not completely healed yet.

Tomorrow we are going up to Delaware to have dinner with Adele at Damon's. Yummy!

Yeah for PT!

2008-04-23T13:38:00.001-07:00

Today all the good outweighed all the bad. Today is my oldest baby's birthday. Adele turned 20 years old at 9:29 am. I sent her a text right at that time so I could be the first one to greet her, just like I did 20 years ago. I'm a little sad because this is the first birthday that I don't get to see her, but she is crazy busy with school right now.

The good thing is that she wants us to come up on my birthday so we can all have dinner together. I have been told I should be happy my kids still want to do things with me. Believe me I am so grateful to have such wonderful girls in my life.

Also today was my PT evaluation. I saw Joe, my trainer from the past. He said we would have to keep things casual for a while until I was out of the boot. I did ankle pumps, then side to side pumps, then used the red theraband to do more of the same. That was it, but it didn't hurt! My ankle is really feeling so much better. Walking is good, I made it through Body Pump class last night standing up, so if everything keeps going as well as it is now, I should be driving by next week. I plan to take the day off to celebrate if I can get caught up on my work.

I'm going through the new computer install from hell but I'm not going to focus on that right now. I have to make sure I have rides set up for PT and work next week, but I'm not going to stress over that also.

As the shirt I am wearing today says, Life is good. At least for today.

A new low

2008-04-19T15:03:00.001-07:00

I've reached a new low in boredom. Today I sorted my socks. I was thrilled to find matches and put all my socks in order. I totally need to get a life. At least I finally got my clothes put away. I have no more excuses for that.

On the other hand walking is improving. I was telling Scott that my heel pad has been killing me in the boot. It must have lost density or something because I can feel every little thing in the bottom of the boot. My smarty husband grabbed one of my spenco pads and put it in the bottom and Presto! It feels great now.

Okay Scott is waiting to take me out to dinner. How can I refuse that?

We're walking, we're walking....

2008-04-17T07:36:00.001-07:00

Walking is a little better today. I still feel like Yoda when I use my stick but I have found that I don't need it all the time. If I sit for a length of time then try to walk things tend to stiffen up a bit, but it's doable.

Sarah and I went to the grocery and I did use the electric cart to get around. I forget how big Kroger is.

It was so nice just to walk around the yard and talk to Scott while he was grilling. I was so excited to move around I went outside and started cleaning the windows. I probably overdid it just a bit, because by the time dinner was over I was pooped. I had even taken a nap before dinner and I was still ready for bed.

Now if I can just get myself to work for the next two weeks, I'll be happy. Sarah drove me in today. I realized that the first day I can drive will be on my birthday. What a great gift! I may even take the day off to celebrate and drive myself to breakfast.

I'm over my bout of pity party. I start my PT on the 23rd. That will mean progress, then in 3 weeks I will be back in the brace, and then who knows what could happen?

Body Pump class tonight. I just may try to stand for part of it. Geesh. Me, me, me. I'm developing a severe case of HUMA.

good, bad and ugly

2008-04-16T06:22:00.000-07:00

I have to stop trying to second guess what is going to happen at these doctor appointments. Every time I go in expecting one thing I end up with something else.

But it's not all bad. My x-rays they took this morning look good. Dr. Philbin is pleased with my range of motion. He had me stand on my foot, then told me to walk on it. I asked him if he was crazy. Oops, reflexive response. I took one, maybe two steps, then said it hurt too much and he let me sit back down.

Then he starts discussing my next "steps" as it were. Surprisingly he told me to go full weight bearing in the air cast for 3 weeks, then wean back into the brace for 3 weeks and he would see me in 6 weeks. Absolutely no weight bearing activity outside of the boot. Can you see where this is going? That includes driving, which means I still cannot drive for at least 2 weeks. Thank goodness Scott was there because I stopped listening at this point, but Scott said Dr. Philbin told me for sure no driving for 2 weeks, then if I feel strong enough I could drive to work on the 3rd week. I am to start PT right away. Ironically I could walk to PT but not drive. Okay I can't really walk that far but I'm trying to make a point here.

I have a call into my sister in law for a ride to the doctor for my evaluation. Scott has offered to rearrange his work schedule in case I need a ride to PT. I hope he means that and was not offering just because I was sobbing at the time. Poor guy was trying everything to cheer me up. He took me home and made me breakfast since I can never eat before these appointments. Then he drove me to work, and went home and took the Accord to Honda. He said he was doing it so the car would get used but I think he is trying to hide it from me so I won't drive it. I was so mad I had said I was going to drive anyway but I know it would be a bad idea.

So let's review the positives. I can walk although any two year old would probably pass me. I turned in the trolley so no more wheelies around the grocery store. I can leave the crutches at home and use my walking stick for most of the day. I can swim with the pull buoy. Soon I hope I can stand up in weight class but my balance is way off right now, so no need to push that one.

I am happy to be walking again. It does hurt. Well duh! 7 weeks of non-weight bearing I'm hardly going to go dancing. If this is like everything else it will be hard today, then much easier tomorrow.

I need to remember that I am dealing with a disease here. Dr. Philbin said that IF it heals he could see me running again, but this is a long term deal with no definite prognosis. Facts are facts and I can't get around them. He told me to be patient. Isn't he funny? Obviously the man does not know me very well.

How long?

2008-04-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

I keep singing that song from Rent called 525,600 minutes. It made me wonder exactly how long I have been in this situation. I'm not math savvy enough to convert all this to minutes.

Time not running: 11 months by the end of April
Time in the boot: about 4 months total
Time non weight bearing: About 3 months
Time until I see the surgeon: 21 hours
Patience level: 0 minutes

That about sums it up. Is this where I'm supposed to put: "Life experience and feeling lucky to be alive: Priceless?" Probably.

I swear I was born under the wrong astrological sign. Taurus. Okay I am stubborn, but patient, no. My stomach is already in knots about this appointment tomorrow. Or maybe it's the coffee talking, I don't know. I'm sitting here waiting for my ride to work. This should be the last day anyone has to drive me around. Correction. This WILL be the last day anyone will drive me around.

Excuses, excuses

2008-04-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

Barb from the doctor's office just called and apologized to me for the wait, thanks so much for being patient, etc. She still could not tell me my INR rate but she did know that I get my blood drawn in 2 weeks, and one week is up already so I go back next Friday. I plan on driving myself.

Dr. Diorio was just so very busy today with clinics and stuff that they could not get to me until now. Fine, whatever. I need a beer.

Stupid comment of the day- Nice gentleman opening the door for me at the restaurant:

Him - Didn't someone tell you that you shouldn't have done that?
Me - I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I had surgery.
Him - Oh, sorry.
Me (To myself) - What a dillweed.

Doctors make me sick

2008-04-11T11:16:00.001-07:00

I do my part to take care of my blood clots by taking my damn coumadin every morning. I go in when I am supposed to and have my damn blood drawn. The least the doctor's office can do is provide me with enough information to know if I'm not going to bleed to death any time soon.

I had my blood drawn last Friday. Tuesday they finally call the house and leave a message to stay on the coumadin. No mention of what my INR rate is or when I need to have my blood taken again. Today I finally call in and basically (but nicely) ask WTF? I am promised a return phone call today. I tell them to call my office. No phone call. I called at 9:00 this morning and it's 2:20 now and they can't call me back?

Then I'm in the bathroom at work and I get an ugly surprise that I don't need to go into much detail about except to say that was supposed to be finished with LAST week. At this rate I could end up with an iron deficiency. No wonder I've been such a bitch.

So now I have to take time out of my work day again to call the doctor's office again to see if they have even bothered to give the nurse a message. At this rate they may have gone home for the day.

I am not a happy camper.